I graduated last Tuesday the 18th of May. Both the Columbia and the Teachers College ceremonies were held that day and it was the only day of the week it poured non stop all day. We got soaked, the weather was truly miserable, and yet it was a great day enjoyed by all.
I posted all photos and videos on FB, but I’ll give you a recap here of my favorite ones.
I graduated last Tuesday the 18th of May. Both the Columbia and the Teachers College ceremonies were held that day and it was the only day of the week it poured non stop all day. We got soaked, the weather was truly miserable, and yet it was a great day enjoyed by all.
I posted all photos and videos on FB, but I’ll give you a recap here of my favorite ones.
I’m done people! You can call me doctor now 🙂
How can someone’s life change in a week you ask? I’ll tell you, because it just happened to me. It starts out Monday morning with an email from the Dublin City University stating they have accepted your paper to be presented at the Wiser Changing Boundaries: Spirituality and Education Conference being held in Dublin in June. It follows with a phone call from DePaul University offering you the position you interviewed for the week before, and for you which you were excited and hoping to hear from. Just this makes this day the BEST NEWS day ever.
But it doesn’t stop there. It follows with you finding out everything you can about Chicago and the life you might have there, and accepting the offer on Wednesday. To then prepare yourself, even more so, for your Dissertation Defense which is being held on Thursday and which represents the culmination of a 5 year long project which tried, but did not succeed, to take all living will from you.
On said Thursday you defend your dissertation, you get very insightful, tough, thought provoking and discussion inducing questions, which you handle with aplomb and grace, because you have meditated all week and are in a zen state no one can get you out of, even if they try their very hardest. You get Line 1 as a result of your defense and they congratulate you on how well you handled that *though* committee member. People start calling you doctor in the hallways now, because this is what you get after the 5 year endeavor topped off with the dissertation work.
So Friday’s not even over yet and you are now going to Ireland in June, moving to Chicago in the summer, starting a new, exciting job in the Fall and are now a Doctor. How’s that for change?
Posted in Spirituality, TC, Work
Today was a good day. I got up extra early to finish reading my dissertation for the last time and doing all the edits before turning it in. Around 11ish I sent out an email titled “Dissertation for Printing” to the duplicating department at TC. I called some time after to see if they had received it and they told me they were printing it already. The feeling of accomplishment was great.
I went out for my East River walk/jog and the weather couldn’t be any more perfect.The sun was out, it was warm, there were girls in bikinis tanning and guys with their shirts off taking in the rays. Perfect.
I then got cards together with the defense’s details and headed out to TC to pick up my print outs. They had four very neat boxes set for me and a bound copy which I ordered for myself. I distributed the boxes to everyone, some hand-to-hand and others I left in mail baskets, and my sponsor’s copy will be mailed tomorrow.
Again, the sense of accomplishment was big. I headed out with my bound copy in hand and a huge smile. I did it, I finished the dissertation and turned it in for the defense! This is a very big, definite step. The end product looks something like this:
I had planned to meet with my friend JW to catch up. He had been traveling through South America for 3 months and we hadn’t really talked in ages. He wanted to hear my story and I wanted to hear his. We set out to meet at the Apple store on 5th Ave and take it from there. It was perfect because I had to go by Central Park to get there, and what better place to go to, when feeling on top of the world, than my favorite place in NYC?
We stayed at the Apple store for a while and then move to the fancy Starbucks in Trump Tower. The talking never stopped, but we started getting hungry, so we walked over to Burger Joint for some much needed comfort food.
It was a great way to celebrate my accomplishment. I really do need my friends right now. Thanks JW! And thanks to all of you who have been there for me, I truly appreciate the support.
I woke up way too early today. Couldn’t sleep, it was best to just get up. I read my horoscope for the day “Relationships go through transitions, and it’s not healthy to resist. Be flexible.” And I thought “Maybe I should have taken more yoga classes!” 🙂 Well, I can joke about it, when I can joke about it I know it’s starting to get better. And it is starting to get better. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t cry inconsolably, not even once. I even went out.
My friend Joan from TC defended her dissertation yesterday and a group of us went to Mama Mexico to celebrate. It was great to see everyone again, I realize, we all did, we don’t get together as often and all feel a little alone through this whole doctoral process. It was good to see some of the people I started with 5 years ago and see them coming to the end, finishing and succeeding. It felt good. Of course, the margarita and guacamole I had didn’t hurt either. I had been craving them for a while and last night’s didn’t disappoint.
Of course after all the buzz was over I started feeling sad again and missing him terribly. But I guess it’s a process. It gets better and it gets worse, before it gets better for good. I have all these thoughts roaming in my head. I’m trying hard not to torture myself with what-ifs, so I let the thoughts go as quickly as I can or I write about them and give them an outlet that way. I’ve written so much. I’m not posting all my thoughts, you people would start to believe I’m mad, and sometimes I am. Writing helps, at least for now it seems to be my crutch.
I’m flying home today. I’m still worried it’s not the best decision in terms of my dissertation work. Especially, after last night I found out there’s a fitting of the gown next week and some deadlines I need to look out for, emails to send, etc. I’m worried I’m committing diss-defense suicide. But I need to feel loved and safe right now and there’s no place like home to get that, at least for me.
I probably won’t be posting for a while. There’s not much internet access at the beach where I will be. But I’m thinking that might even be a good thing. I’ll be back, and hopefully, when I am, I will be much better. See you then.
I still feel bad about all the venting I did the other day about TC. It’s like when you have a fight with your boyfriend and bash him to your friends and then after you make up and are all gooey eyes again, don’t know what to do with all you said or how to take it back.
TC is not only an incredible place. It holds all the history one would ever want about US’s education, and it is filled with knowledge and knowledgeable people. The people there, which at times has been my issue, are human as in any other place, and as so, they have their flaws. I sometimes think I expected supernatural from the people here because of the grandness of the place. Sure things could run smoother and people, especially those serving in admin offices, could be nicer, but they are still that, just people.
I have learned so much at TC and not just academically. I have learned when to speak up and when to hold it. I have learned that offering a smile and being kind takes you a long way. I have learned to be patient and I have learned to be humble. I have learned about the power that comes with being educated. I have made awesome friends and I know very smart and very talented professors, researchers and colleagues. Ultimately, I am part of the TC community too, and as so I am proud as well. Sure, we have our issues and our fall-outs, but at the end we always make up and TC will forever, even once I am not part of it anymore on a daily basis, be part of who I am and what I know. For this and much more, I am grateful and feel a bit guilty for not being able to appreciate the good parts all the time.
Posted in TC
I’ve been feeling a tad bad about the previous post. Mainly because it’s not entirely true and a bit of an exaggeration. I could chuck it up to being stressed and anxious about this whole dissertation writing against the clock, or the fact that I still need to find time to continue looking and applying for jobs, or that the whole finishing a stage of life and beginning a new one is a very nerve-wrecking situation, or I just needed to vent. Either way, the truth is that with all the bad also comes a lot of good. There are people at TC who I admire and who have helped me in many ways. There are professors from which I have learned a great deal and whom I would aspire to be like in certain ways. To say that the previous 5 years left only a negative balance, would be wrong.
I walk through the halls of TC and all the experience, the life that occurred in them projects on to me. So much greatness happened and still is happening in that place. TC has always been the mecca of progressive education and it seems like history is being made there every day. Did you know that the yellow school bus idea originated from a Conference held at TC in the late 30s? This is a place were progress is bread and change is not only a possibility but a constant. I have a lot to be thankful for from TC, from it’s halls, it’s classrooms and it’s people.
I just need to remember that tradition and greatness comes with a price, and I need to remind myself that the price even though high, is worth it.
Posted in TC
The other day, I had a dream with MariCarmen, my old boss at Universidad Metropolitana. It made me smile to think of her, of how much she esteemed me and valued my opinion. She not only believed in me and my potential as an academic, a professional, a professor and a researcher, she admired me for my work ethics and who I was then, at that point in my life. It made me smile to remember how loved and valued I was.
Of course, if I compare it to now I see the incredible differences. Here I do not feel valued at all. Here I am foreigner, no one really knows me or has taken the time to get to know me, and to them I’m just a student who knows nothing and who they need to teach and train. They see my flaws, my shortcomings, they don’t see my value and I sometimes doubt they even see my potential. TC has taken a real toll on my self-esteem and how I see myself professionally. It has made me doubt myself, doubt what I am capable of and even doubt if I truly have what it takes to make it here.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. And yesterday something happened which made me realize how much indeed my TC experience had changed the way I even present myself now. As I came out from yoga class a woman approached me and asked how long had I been practicing yoga. I said, “well, for some time now, on and off”, which is actually close to 12 years now. And she said “you are so good, I was watching you during class to see what I was doing wrong and to see what the correct pose actually looked like.” She said this with a big smile and admiration in her eyes and I felt a bit shocked, yet happy, with the recognition. But immediately dismissed it saying: “But you’re not supposed to do that. You should be focusing on your body and taking it as far as it can go, without comparing yourself to others; you need to focus on you.” At that time, another woman comes by and says “Actually, it’s always good to know what we’re aiming for, so it’s a good thing she can see you and know that’s what she’s trying to do.” I smiled, said that was true, but still thought one should be careful with one’s body and not push it just because we see someone else capable of doing something we still can’t.
I know why I did this. I have a tendency to protect other people’s self-esteem, and sometimes even say things which are not at all true, or put me in a very negative light, just so they don’t feel bad or think less of themselves. I can’t stand someone kicking themselves or being down in the dumps and not doing something about it. But, there was another thing that hit me with this encounter. She was admiring something in me, something I actually did right, something she could aspire to, she could emulate. Wow. This had not happened to me in a long time. The sad thing is that I look back and this use to be common ground for me. I was always the good student everyone envied because of my grades and my intelligence, or the pretty girl all guys feel for, or the spoiled daddy’s girl who always had everything she wanted. Looking back I could see how people who weren’t satisfied with what they had could envy me. I’ve never been an envious person. I aspire to things and accomplishments, but I tend to compare myself to me, and feel bummed when I know I could have done better but didn’t. And tend to be overly critical of myself, and always see room for improvement in my actions and even thoughts.
Yet these past 5 years have been a whole different story. I don’t feel like the intelligent, pretty, have it all girl I used to be. I feel less than, insecure of what I can do, and looked down upon. My experience in the doctoral program has shaken me to the core and I know it, I have been noticing it all along. First it attempted to change the way I think and the things I value, it attempted to get me to abandon beliefs and solid foundations, I truly believe I was both born into and born with. I think I have a more solid grasp on my beliefs and values now because of this constant pull to rethink, reconceptualize and poststructuralize myself, and for that I guess I should be grateful. But along the way of that push and pull I think I lost my self-confidence a bit and my self-worth, and for that I am a bit bitter and resentful.
I am always looking out for other’s emotional well-being and I think TC failed me in doing so for me. I can take critiques, but when all you get is that, you start thinking that’s all there is. I’m fed up with being critiqued, compared, analyzed and put in little tight boxes with labels. It makes me sad to think what it has done to me, an otherwise secure, accomplished, happy and successful person. It makes me mad that this happens in academia, in education, my chosen field of profession. It concerns me that these people are teaching, training and forming teachers. And it leaves me feeling a bit cheated out of the belief of what a ‘good’ educational setting should be. Aren’t they supposed to be the best of the best? I think they think they are great, but let their egos drive, and the result is that the people they serve get short changed, get cheated, like I did.
Of course, I got myself into this situation. I decided to come here to study. I left home, my comfort zone, a place filled with people who knew me, cared about me and made me feel great about what I was doing. It was my decision and the consequences are all on me. Also, the fact that I have let these people’s perception of myself get to me, is on me as well. “No one can make you feel what you do not want.” And I am no exception. If they got to me, to my self-esteem, to my self-worth, it’s because I let them. So, I know I need to pull myself together and out of this. I need to recover what I once had. And hopefully I will. For now, I guess I’m just reflecting upon dreams, encounters, where I am now and what I need to do next. But one thing I am sure of, I will try my darnedest to never be like these people.
Posted in TC
About a month or so ago, while in Caracas, I wrote a post conveying my love for Universidad Metropolitana. I’ve spent 9 years of my life there, as both a student and a professor, and I thought my love for the place should be shared and explained through pictures. As I got back to NYC and started working again I ventured over to Columbia, the university that houses me now, and I realized I’ve spent 7 years on my life there by now, also studying and working, which is not too far from the time I’ve spent at the Unimet. I first came to CU in 1997 for my MA and my MEd and also worked there for a year before I went back to Caracas in 2000. I then came back again in 2005 to pursue the doctorate which has taken over my life these past years. It’s 2009 now and I’m still at it.
I figured I owed CU, if for the sake of antiquity only, some sort of recognition. I’m not in love with Columbia, not the same way as I am with La Metro, but I do have a soft spot for it, and here, I’ll try to show you why.
You can reach it by taking the 1 train, on the red line.
It will drop you off right in front of the Columbia University Theater.
In the summer it will also have a Mister Softee parked in front of the gates.
Across from the main campus you’ll see Barnard College, an all girls Columbia liberal arts school. Way back when it was called King’s College, the main campus was for men and Barnard College for women. Things have changed now in CU, but you will still find mostly women in Barnard.
Venture through the gates of knowledge,
and you will find path ways,
gazebos,
statues,
libraries,
interesting windows,
nice views,
Alma Matter,
the Thinker because people are suppose to think hard, very hard, here.
Memorials in the form of benches.
Beautiful details in the architecture.
And buildings with classrooms and offices.
Lots of buildings.
The gym.
New buildings not quite finished yet.
And old classics.
Ivy, because there’s always ivy in Ivy League universities.
A map of the place in case you get lost.
And down the stairs and across the street,
you’ll see Teachers College. TC is Columbia’s college for everything related to education.
And the place where I’ve spent most of the past 4 years of my life.
It’s very close to Riverside Church, which you can see there in the back.
It was founded in 1887 and affiliated to Columbia in 1898.
And has gone through some major refurbishing since I came here first in 1997.
TC was John Dewey‘s home for a while and they’re very proud of that fact here. Dewey is the father of progressive education.
This is Main Hall, now called Zankel Building. The floor you see when you first enter.
Down the hall to the right you’ll find the library’s entrance which is quite ornate.
And there’s a whole lot more buildings and offices and classrooms, but I don’t want to bore you with the details. You get the sense don’t you? Not too shabby for a place that was originally conceived 250 plus years ago, right?
Posted in TC
The days I stay and work from home are hit or miss kind of days. These are the days I can go to the gym at any point, take a bubble bath to de-stress in the middle of the afternoon, or go all day in PJs and not even unlock my door once. Sometimes, during these days I do house work and run errands. You know, like clean the bathroom, do laundry, go to the cleaners, the post office, the supermarket, Duane Read, return something, get a mani, a bikini wax, or buy a present. Other times, my mom calls, or a friend shows up on chat, or there are 87 blogs to read, or 205 tweets to catch up on, or some new baby pictures on FB I need to see, or music in iTunes I just must buy.
Sometimes I stay in bed and read. I have a ton of stuff to read and most, although interesting, not necessarily all that fun. Those are actually productive days. Reading is part of the work I have to do. So those are good days. Others, well, I start off reading and quickly fall asleep, which are the days that throw me off. That nap ends up being more than a little cat nap and then pushes my actual sleeping time to much later than it needs to be, throwing off the following wake-up for what is usually a work-out kind of day. Those days I tend to be sleepy.
Anytime I stay at home I cook myself lunch, most likely nothing too elaborate. I rarely go all out cooking when it’s just me, which is usually the case. But there are days in which I splurge and get take-out. Or go to the deli around the corner and buy a special sandwich. That’s usually around oneish and really doesn’t take too much time, because I end up eating in front of the computer anyway, reading whatever it was I was reading before, or if I was working hard I’ll take a lunch break and read blogs during those 30 minutes.
The rare days in which I accomplish actual work I work on my data. I organize it. I read it. I transcribe it. I listen to it. I think about it. I go back to my proposal. I read some more. I go back to the data. I look things up. I make to-do lists. I write emails to sponsors and mentors and helpful professors. I write my critical friends blog and I vent to anyone who calls. All of this needs to happen for me to actually get some writing done, and some days I actually do write.
The days I go out to work, I work. I go to CSS and do my work for them there, or go into AERI’s office and do their work there. But that’s not my dissertation work. That’s work-work. The only days I’m sure to do dissertation work outside, are when I’m at the setting collecting data, which consists mostly of observing the kids in the classroom. But sometimes it’s an interview and other times it has been interacting with the children in some activity. Those days are productive, very productive in making progress, but it also means I’m gathering more work for myself.
There are a couple classes I am taking. One I’m auditing and the other is part of the fellowship. So those days I go out too, after of course, spending some time at home doing class-work. But this semester I have organized it so that the days I work outside and go to the TC area are also the class days and the yoga days, which are all in that same neighborhood. So most weeks I have at least 2 full stay and work from home days, which are the ones I know I will miss once the real work starts again.
Sometimes, I can’t believe this has been my life for the past 2 years (it’s gotten better, the first two years I worked at TC every day, there were no stay and work from home days then) and how lucky and easy going it seems. Other times, I just want to get on with it and go back to my professional life/job/days, feel productive every day and not have to be in this constant self-motivating, self-discipline and on my own kind of journey. But as the end is nearer, I know that when I look back, I’m going to miss these days and they will probably never come again. So here’s to right now, here’s to the present and the stay-at-home days, the days I get to choose what time to get up and what exactly to do.
Life is too short... 