I woke up way too early today. Couldn’t sleep, it was best to just get up. I read my horoscope for the day “Relationships go through transitions, and it’s not healthy to resist. Be flexible.” And I thought “Maybe I should have taken more yoga classes!” 🙂 Well, I can joke about it, when I can joke about it I know it’s starting to get better. And it is starting to get better. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t cry inconsolably, not even once. I even went out.
My friend Joan from TC defended her dissertation yesterday and a group of us went to Mama Mexico to celebrate. It was great to see everyone again, I realize, we all did, we don’t get together as often and all feel a little alone through this whole doctoral process. It was good to see some of the people I started with 5 years ago and see them coming to the end, finishing and succeeding. It felt good. Of course, the margarita and guacamole I had didn’t hurt either. I had been craving them for a while and last night’s didn’t disappoint.
Of course after all the buzz was over I started feeling sad again and missing him terribly. But I guess it’s a process. It gets better and it gets worse, before it gets better for good. I have all these thoughts roaming in my head. I’m trying hard not to torture myself with what-ifs, so I let the thoughts go as quickly as I can or I write about them and give them an outlet that way. I’ve written so much. I’m not posting all my thoughts, you people would start to believe I’m mad, and sometimes I am. Writing helps, at least for now it seems to be my crutch.
I’m flying home today. I’m still worried it’s not the best decision in terms of my dissertation work. Especially, after last night I found out there’s a fitting of the gown next week and some deadlines I need to look out for, emails to send, etc. I’m worried I’m committing diss-defense suicide. But I need to feel loved and safe right now and there’s no place like home to get that, at least for me.
I probably won’t be posting for a while. There’s not much internet access at the beach where I will be. But I’m thinking that might even be a good thing. I’ll be back, and hopefully, when I am, I will be much better. See you then.