Happy Halloween!

As a kid Halloween was about dressing up and eating candy, both very good things. As an adult Halloween is about parties, celebrations and having fun. So tonight I might be having some of that, if so, I’ll have photos to come.

Also Halloween, to me at least, is about darkness, about letting our not so good sides show. It’s about black magic, witches, ghost and the underworld, which makes it a bit scary and very interesting. We’ll see what awaits for us today.

I hope you have a great Halloween doing whatever you decide to do!

Apparently craziness is needed

I thought I’d share a little randomness on craziness in my life yesterday.

Randomness 1:

I was on th M4, on my way to class yesterday afternoon and an old lady sat next to me. It’s incredible the amount of old fellows that use the M4 in the afternoons, I still haven’t figure it out, why just the afternoon? Anyhow, I was, as usual engrossed in my music listening, with my earphones plugged in. This usually doesn’t really prevent people from talking to me, and this wasn’t the exception.

This lady was very sweet, although she looked like she could be a little out of it, if you know what I mean. First she asked if she could sit next to me, while I move all my bags and stuff so that I could scoot over to the window side, and make room for her. Then she started explaining why she had moved seats: to make more room for the other people who were sitting in the special seats up front. And then she started making small talk. “Would you want to live in a building like that? I think I couldn’t take the noise. I live by the river and it’s very quiet there. Do you know how old I am? Very old. I’m getting off soon, because I like to walk. I am 89 years old, can you believe? And I stay in shape by exercising, walking as much as I can and not letting myself blow up so big (winking and pointing in the direction of other chubbier ladies)”.

She had an accent which I couldn’t make out, and I didn’t have enough time to ask her where she was from, because as soon as I started getting interested in my ride companion and her stories, we reached her stop and she got off. Not without waving good bye to be a couple times. So sweet. She made me smile, and think “gee, I hope that when I’m 89 I’m not still living in NYC and dealing with noise, public transportation, craziness, and other people cramped against me!”. Although, I did think that maybe because she lives in such a fast pace city is that she can be 89 and be in a such good shape, and maybe even a bit crazy without everyone noticing. Who knows?

Randomness 2:

At night after classes I went to karate and there was only one other girl in the class besides me. Apparently, women are scarce these days in karate. Monday classes are very exercise driven, so we spend a lot of time on kicks, punches, and some one-on-one techniques. At the end we usually practice Katas, and thank God for that, because I needed a little reminder of Kata 3 (which I still need to learn the name for, Japanese just doesn’t come natural to me). Being the only two girls in the bathroom changing back into our normal clothes after class, we started talking about our impressions and I was happy to find out that I wasn’t the only one concerned with how dirty the floor was, or the particularly disgusting body odor of one of the guys. As it turns out she avoids him too. Now that I think about it, could these be the reason the other girls have stopped coming to class? Cleanliness is important to us you know.

Anyhow, when we finally finished changing out of our karategis, and got out of the bathroom, everyone was gone, everyone except for one of the Senseis. He had been waiting for us to talk and give us some extra motivation. You see, we’re not only the only girls, we are also the more junior ones in the group (meaning we are frequently lost and don’t perform as strongly, or aggressively as the boys do). He had said at the end of class that karate is not only physical, not only about the moves and getting them down right, but also about the mind and being able to take oneself to a different place. He called it “going a little crazy”.

He explained that when you are being attacked by someone they are not usually in a sane state of mind, and the only way to over power them is to be even crazier yourself. Shout louder, move faster, be more confident. He said we needed to keep our minds alert and focused, to not lose the connection with the opponent, and to allow ourselves to get to the point in which one acts instinctively and lets go. Fore some reason this sounded a lot like sex to me. Don’t ask me why.

So I left there thinking “great! All these years of formal education and training, fitting into social and academic settings, learning rules of how to behave accordingly, and now this guy just wants us to go nuts?”. His intent is not for us to lose it completely, mind you, but just while there in that “safe space”. He wants us to take our minds to that place in which we can act by instrument and get in touch with our animal instincts. To let go and get into the movement. I think I know what he means, but I’m not quite sure how to get there, especially if half the time I’m trying to avoid stinky guy, and wondering what’s that thing I’m feeling stuck to the sole of my foot!

But hey, if craziness is needed, I guess I can give craziness a shot, right? I live in NYC for Pete’s sake, how hard can it be?

Everything changes

When the winds of change blow, some people build walls and others build windmills.
-Chinese proverb, submitted by Kathleen H-D., Kansas City KS

It takes a lot of courage
to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

-Alan Cohen, submitted by Dana A. Neillsville WI

The winds of change are definitely blowing. It’s 45 degrees F (9 degrees C, brrrrr!) today in NYC, Fall is officially here, so I am in the process of putting away the summer clothes and taking out the sweaters, turtle necks, and corduroy pants. Change is upon us, more power to embrace!

A birthday recap

I went over to my sister’s to see the kids and wait for my dad to arrive. Once my b.i.l. and sis made it home from work we had dinner.

While serenaded by my favorite girl

And hugged by my favorite guy

We also had yummy cake made by Super Margot who is nanny, cook, cleaning lady, and awesome baker!

My mom was there in spirit, or should I say via technology?
Fun family time! Yay!

At night I meet with friends at BB&R

Some craziness went on (we’re blaming it on Halloween)

And then we sung Happy Birthday with yummy cream puffs from Choux Factory

After that, the “have to go home to relieve the babysitter” folks ; ) had to leave, but some of us single gals were set on having a bit more fun, so off we went to Tin Lizzie for some dancing

Fun times I tell you, fun times!
Thank you all for making this a very special birthday! : )

What do you make out of this?

hey sunshine, I am totally swamped. I think I am going to have to work all weekend. I hope your party tonight is fun. I don’t think I will be able to make it.
From: t.b.w.t.b.
5:23 pm 10/26/07

that’s a shame. Being it such a special night for me I thought we would do something nice. I guess not.
From: Jen
9:55 pm 10/26/07

That was it. That was all the Happy Birthday I got from t.b.w.t.b. Lovely huh? I’m trying really not to jump to any conclusions, but “what the hell???!!!” is the only thing that comes rushing to mind.

Ok, so let me give you some background info so that you can help me figure this one out. My father came to town yesterday on his way to a Monday business meeting in Toronto. He flew earlier and stopped by NY to spend the weekend here with me, my sister and her family. You know, being it my birthday and all, that’s what family does, right? Go out of their way (literally in my dad’s case) to spend time with the people they love on their special days.

My brother in law (b.i.l.) had booked tickets some time ago (before t.b.w.t.b.) to go see an exhibit at the Botanical Gardens Saturday morning after my birthday, and we were planning to go. Now that my dad is here, he’ll be coming too.

Since t.b.w.t.b. was so nice and things were going well, I thought I’d invite him, both to my birthday celebration (that was an obvious one, right?), and then to the museum (I thought it was the polite thing to do, to include him). I didn’t give much thought to who was going, or what it meant, thus the invitation was more like “if you want to join us, you are more than welcome” than “please come, it would make so happy to have you there”. So I thought there was truly no pressure, or at least that wasn’t my intent.

Yesterday, throughout the day everyone that talked to me seemed to be interested in t.b.w.t.b.’s story, and asked me how things were going and if he would be coming to celebrate (they been reading about him, they care about me, they want to meet him. That seems normal enough, no?). As the day progressed my way of telling the story got more emotional, meaning that the “bothersome” feeling I was having about it was slowly increasing. I just didn’t get it. Why didn’t he call to wish me a happy day? Why would he bail out through a lame text message?

The answer I got from him when I asked him a few days back if he would come last night to celebrate, was “I have a business meeting in Tallahassee, and I’m getting back into NYC Friday, so if I make it back in time, sure, I’d love to go” (he got out of going to this meeting, he was here all through this week). The answer for the museum outing was “sure, but let me check my planner, I think I have something Saturday morning. I’ll get back to you”. Now that response was fishy to me. Who has something planned for Saturday (which is obviously a personal thing and not work related) and doesn’t know or can’t remember what it is? It sounded to me like he was buying time to come with a better excuse to get out of this.

But why? Is it too soon to meet my friends and family? (being Venezuelan I never know what’s right timing for an American. Back home meeting the family is a given that happens on day one, it’s not a special event). It could also be that in his mind this is not the type of relationship in which one would want to meet friends and family. Or maybe, he doesn’t feel he’s there yet? Or, is this his exit point, and he thought “why not just bail on her birthday, that seems appropriate”?

My sister says it’s obvious he’s bailing for the entire weekend because my dad is here. It’s too much of a coincidence for her to not be that. Ok, so if that’s the case, why not tell me? We are grownups here, why would I not understand an answer like “you know I’ve been thinking. I’d rather not meet your family yet. I think we need to know each other better first”. Or whatever it is one says to get out of meeting someone else’s family. I get that. I truly understand that. What I don’t get is “sure, would love to go!” and then give me “I’m swamped and I’ll be busy ALL weekend, so don’t count on me”, without even a flipping Happpy Birthday call!

I’m trying not to judge, really, I am. But this is not only uncaring and irresponsible towards my feelings, it’s plain immature!

It’s my birthday!

My birthday started early this morning with a 7:00 am call from my mom. She wanted to be the first and she was! : ) Then a bunch of e-cards, text messages, IMs, facebook posts, and all the Internet facilitated communications from dear friends (new and old): Eleni, Cristina, Mary, Ani, Yvonne, MisstressM, Ing, Trina, Javier, Maria Margarita, Edgar, Antonio, Chula, Juan, Ivan, and Marisela. Then followed a call from Mary, from Barcelona, Mark, Juvens, Ani, Katy, Celeste, Lore, and one from my dad who’s on his way to NYC and currently waiting for his next flight in Miami.

After this I was off to get a mani and a pedi, because a little pampering has never hurt anyone, right? And then stopped by the Vinegar Factory to buy my favorite olive rolls for lunch. Back home, there was a sung happy birthday message from my sister (she’s cute that way), and a couple of other emails.

T.b.w.t.b. you ask? I haven’t heard from him yet. Last I heard was a text yesterday afternoon saying his business trip to FL had been canceled and he was still in NYC. I called last night to chat and got his machine. It’s almost 2:00 pm on the day of my birthday and no acknowledgeable what so ever. No phone call, no email, no text message, nothing. Is it just me or is this plain wrong? And I have to ask because, you see, birthdays are big in my family, but they might not be for everyone else. We plan for birthdays, we throw parties and send out invitations, we celebrate and anticipate, we make wish-lists of gifts, we have gifts, flowers, candy, cards ready the night before, so that when the person wakes up it starts out being, and stays through out the day, all about them.

For us, birthdays are all about making the birthday person feel loved and special. But ever since I moved back to the US the birthday experience has been a bit different. Is it me (too high expectations)? Is it my family (too nurturing and involved)? Is it a cultural thing (people here don’t consider birthday’s special)? Or am I, yet again, dating the wrong guy (someone who just doesn’t deem me special enough)? (See Sizzle? This is the “cow” I was talking about before, it always seems to come speeding down from no where. I think I jinxed it!).

I don’t know, I don’t have the answer quite yet. But I do intend to enjoy my birthday, with my family and my friends, and those who want to share the joy with me.

Strong and Sweet

t.b.w.t.b.: “So what do you like about me?”

me: “The fact that you’re such a boy, and yet very nice and sweet”

I used to frequently say “I like my men as I like my drinks. Strong and sweet!” T.b.w.t.b. is definitely both. He is very masculine, sexy, and down right hot. Yet, also a very nice person, sweet, and caring. The best is how I feel around him.

Last Sunday I went over to see him at his place. He had been away for the weekend helping his brother move, and I truly missed not spending time with him. At some point while there, I looked at him, while we both just stared at each other and smiled, and thought “wow, I’m happy!”. I hadn’t felt this happy in a long time.

I have spent these last few days smiling, at everyone and everything, for no apparent reason. But we all know the real reason, don’t we? T.b.w.t.b. makes me smile, he makes me feel good inside, and it shows! 🙂

Maybe this explains it

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007 PST

Scorpio Horoscope

(Oct 23 – Nov 21)

The Sun enters your birth sign today to mark the beginning of your astrological month. It’s time for you to review the previous year and think about the upcoming one. You are still moving through a time of great transformation, so the impact of therapy, yoga or other spiritual pursuits is greater now than at other times of the year.

What do you stand for?

A strong man stands up for himself,
a stronger man stands up for others.

-the movie Barnyard, submitted by Monica T., Springfield OR

Stand up to your obstacles
and do something about them.
You will find that they
haven’t half the strength
you think they have.

-Norman Vincent Peale

I thought I’d share…

Half full or half empty?

Every year around my birthday I get a little sad. I’m not quite sure why, but I always do. I think it mainly has to due with the fact that I see a new year as a milestone, and an opportunity to review and revise my life so far.

As is the case for the majority of people I know, I am my worst critic, and tend to see the glass half empty before I can see it half full, at least when it come to personal stuff. So I see where I am, what I have accomplished, how it compares with last year, look for similarities and differences, and go through a “hmmm, not really what I wanted, is it?” state, before I get to “what are you saying? this is actually great!” frame of mind, and start smiling again.

So today it hit me. Slowly, out of the blue. By the time I got to my karate class, I was already sad. Not sure why, but I was. It took me forever to concentrate on what I was doing. The fact I didn’t go to class once last week didn’t help much either, thus I was completely lost with Kata #3, and was placed in the middle of the group surrounded by brown belts, so I could do whatever they were doing if/when I got lost. Embarrassing!

Anyhow, after class I felt better. Exercising always does that to me. It invigorates me and makes me brighten up. Nonetheless, I thought I’d ponder this for a bit. If I am sad, it must for a reason right? Well, here’s my list of possible reasons so far:

1.- Something happens astrologically around one’s birthday which produces a melancholy in the environment, which one is bound to sense. It’s inevitable.

2.- I’m turning 35 and I’m feeling a bit too old for the life style I currently have.

3.- If I wanted to have children now, it would be considered a high risk pregnancy.

4.- I haven’t found the love of my life yet.

5.- I’m still resentful about what C did and his overall deplorable behavior.

6.- I need to lose 10 lbs and it’s damn hard!

7.- … I think that’s it…

I have good counter points for all of them, so don’t you despair.

1.- There’s nothing I can do about this, it will pass in a week or so.

2.- My current life style as a student is temporary, in fact, in less than a year I won’t be a full time student any more and will most probably have a full time job. So I might as well enjoy it while I have it, because for sure, I will not be student ever again after the doctorate is done.

3.- Women have children now at any age, whenever I am ready to have mine, it will still be medically possible. I am sure of this.

4.- He will appear or develop whenever it’s right. “Let go, and let God!”, remember?

5.- There is nothing I can do about C’s or anybody else’s behavior, so I need to let this go. I believe in Karma. What goes around comes around. He’ll have to deal with his actions and their consequences sooner or later, there is nothing for me to be resentful about.

6.- I have one word for myself: DIET!

7.- … Not that bad. I feel better already! : )

Glass half full people, half full!