On sadness

Do you ever feel blue for no particular reason? Like, your life is fine, but you’re still sad? I mean, sure not everything is perfect all the time, there’s always that coworker you rather just shut-up already, or the neighbor who makes too much noise, or a boyfriend that occasionally gets snippy, or a dog that bites without a cause, but in reality there’s no real life/death situation here, so why the sad face? Does this ever happen to you?

Sometimes it’s hormonal, that I know for a fact. Because when it is, the sadness is overpowering for a few hours or maybe a day, and by the next day it’s completely gone. And usually I’m left wondering “what the hell?” Because I don’t get how I could have felt doomed the day before, and giddy today. And the reason? It’s non existent.

But other times, it’s not hormonal, it’s a mild, lingering sadness, that if prompted, say by a song, a memory, or a photo, I could easily break in tears for no real apparent reason. New York. Thinking about NY and how much I miss it, will get me every single time.

I’ve been battling this flu that has me in a fog, and blowing my nose every other minute, which does not do anything to help with the sadness. But I don’t think a flu, aside from being bothersome, would make me sad. I think that I’m just overall unsatisfied, and when things happen, be them insignificant or issues that really need tending to, the sadness comes back. Or, to be frank, I don’t know if it’s ever truly gone. It lingers, like a shadow or a veil ever so slightly hanging over me.

I have huge, high, impossible expectations of myself and others. And I’m constantly disappointed by both. Work has been very disappointing lately and I’m frustrated. I’m hanging in there because I have a research leave coming up, which will liberate me from teaching and serving on committees, until January of 2014. I am literally counting the days. I have 26 more work days left until I am free. Free to write and do research that is, because it is a research leave after all, for which I have a list of accomplishments I need and want to get done. I am so looking forward to this.

I have a ton of things to be grateful for. I know this. But when I’m in this sad mode I need to remind myself of them, all of them. If not, I tend to concentrate on the feeling, and it drives me a bit crazy to have this feeling and not understand where it’s coming from. If I were to be absolutely truthful, I know where this is coming from this time around, but because this isn’t the place to share it, I won’t. We all know what happened to Dooce because she shared things about her job online: she got canned. And we don’t want that happening.

So yes, I’m a bit blue. Things are a bit, well, not perfect. I say that knowing that things are never perfect. It’s my way of saying I know it’s not a big deal in the overall scheme of things, yet it still bugs me and makes me sad. So there. Right now, I’m a little sad.

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