Wanting to go home

It dawned on me the other while thinking about NYC, that even though it’s almost been two years since I moved to Chicago, a part of me still thinks this is temporary, and I have this unconscious sensation that any minute now this phase of being here will be over, and I will get to go home again.

Isn’t it interesting how in an instant, without even looking for it, an answer dawns on you, in a blink of eye? Just like that I get it, just like that I understand why I don’t really feel like I fit in. In my mind, deep down, locked up somewhere, I think this is temporary, and eventually I will get to go home again. My Chicago stay is nice while it lasts because in my mind it has an expiration date. This too shall pass, and I will go back home when it’s right.

Chicago doesn’t feel like home to me. Sure, everything I own is here, but it’s like I’m not here yet, not 100%. I mean, I’m here, I work here, live here, love here, and am surrounded by all my stuff. But I see a picture of my old apartment on 93rd and 1st in the UES and think, “that’s home!” Why? Why doesn’t this feel like home to me even if it’s been almost 2 years already?

Mike says I need a girlfriend. And he might just be right. I don’t have friends here. Every time I face-time with my family, I feel better. I feel they are still “there”, wherever there might be, and it’s alright. I’m alright. Being here is alright. But is it?

Do you feel like where you live is home? Do you feel like you belong? Or are you longing for home in another place, or another time? I wonder if it’s just me. I wonder if I’m just melancholic that way.


6 responses to “Wanting to go home

  1. Well, as you might remember I now live in the place I grew up, so it absolutely feels like home. Not to mention makes it really hard to imagine leaving. But I think you are right, it’s all about the network, whether that be family or friends or both. A friend and her husband I just talked to yesterday moved from here in Colorado to the East Coast last month, and they say the same thing. Even though they have each other, they are really missing being near their network. Whether they’ll build another one remains to be seen, but I do think it’s really, really important. No man (or couple) is an island. 🙂

    • It’s so true, the importance of the network (both friends and family). I tell Mike constantly how lucky he is to live so close to his family and friends, and even though we spend time with them and I do like them a lot, it’s not the same as spending time with my family and friends. I need my own network, or one that we build together. I guess I need to work on that… soon!

  2. I missed CA a lot when I first moved to WA even though I knew I’d made the right choice. It wasn’t until I made a few friends that I started to feel like this was home. It honestly took me a year to really feel like the people I met were my friends. Hang in there and hopefully you’ll find some people to connect with.

    • It’s hard for me to make new friends, real friends. I have acquaintances, but a girlfriend to go out and have a drink and dinner and just catch up, that I don’t have that here and I really miss it. But thank you, your experience gives me hope.

  3. I can relate when I moved to Chicago from NY, I knew one person. I have been here for nine years and I still miss my girls, I do not really made a lot of good friends out here. I still miss my girls out east!

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