After I am up, dressed, wearing shoes, teeth brushed, and hair up in a ponytail… “Maxy you tricked me! It’s only 6 am, not 7! Well, what the heck, I was having a bad dream anyway. Let’s go.”
I was having a dream about C. In the dream he disappeared on me, only to send me a very detailed letter (it was sort of a digital thing, kind of interactive letter) explaining everything. How he had met her, what had happened, with dates and a linear sequential turn of events, that help put the pieces together when comparing it to what he had had with me.
I don’t know exactly why I had this specific dream. I’m not interested in his details, I don’t want to know about his relationship with her or how/when it intersected with his relationship with me. I know it happened and that is enough. Enough to sit very wrongly with me, enough to still be lingering around.
I have not let go of this. It haunts me like a bad premonition, a bad omen of sorts, and I have these negatives feelings inside me toward him, I don’t really notice them consciously because they only pop up when I’m reminded of him. But I know they’re there. Imaginary conversations run through my mind, and what comes from my side is pure hatred. I call him names, wish him the very worse, curse him, and ultimately ban him from my life.
It feels like a relief to have the truth be out and this unfortunate chapter of my life be over, but I know it’s not doing me any favors carrying this hatred around and it would be best for me if I could just let it go.
The thing is I know that the only way I can let this go is to forgive him, and I’m not there yet. I can’t just say “well, he did something horrible to me, but I’m letting it go, it was a mistake and I will forgive him and free myself from carrying around this hatred toward with him.” Forgiving doesn’t come easy to me, yet I know I know how to do that, I know I know how to work on it and eventually let it go. But a part of me doesn’t want to, a part of me is for certain not ready.
I want him to suffer. I want him to live with interests what he did, I want it all to come back and bite him in the ass, bite him hard. I wish terrible things upon him, like a slow and painful illness. I want him dead. But not just dead, I want him painfully dead. I don’t remember the last time I hated someone, or just plain hated period. But I hate him. I hate him with all my might and if it were in my power, within my reach, to see through all I wish upon him, I just might have it done.
I say might because I think there is still hope for me. I don’t think I will actually do anything beyond wishing him the worse. I’ve left it to fate, to karma. The fact that she discovered everything and called me (which was kind of pathetic, but I guess that’s her way of dealing with it/him) is karma working it’s magic. I know that what goes around, comes around, and nothing is left unpunished, not here. It might not happen by my own hand or doing, but it will happen, that I know for a fact. So I do nothing. I don’t interfere, because that would not only mean I am a terrible person, but that I am at his level, and I will never allow that. But I do carry the hatred, I carry the unspoken conversations, everything I wish I could dump on him verbally, everything I wish for him in my core. I carry this like a poison, and it’s not doing me any good.
I need to work on this. I thought giving it time would take care of it, but it’s there festering and giving me nightmares. I need to let it go. I need to forgive. But how? It really doesn’t come easy to me.