The unexpected call detailed

September 3, 2011

Yesterday, out of the blue, Sandra Beck (that’s here name), Carsten’s wife calls me. Yeah, you read that correctly. This women, whom I don’t know, never met, calls me to my cell and tells me that she’s coming to Chicago soon and Carsten told her I was a good friend of his and she should call me up to go out for drinks. I’m in shock and asked “Carsten told you this?” Knowing it’s a load of crap, but not quite understanding why this woman is calling me. Carsten, apparently is on speaker listening-in this conversation and said Hi. (What I should have said was: “The last time I spoke to Carsten I asked him to never contact me again, so I don’t think he would have told you to contact me if you were coming to Chicago. Carsten and I aren’t friends, not any more. So you are obviously lying, would you like to tell me why is it that you’re calling me? What is this call really about?”)

She goes on to tell me that Carsten forwarded her an email of mine, in which I was clearly upset about something he had done to me, and she wanted to see if I was all right (!!!). I was stunned, and could only say, “that was a long time ago, I am fine.” (What I should have said: Carsten was a bastard to me, and I’m guessing to you too, but you don’t know it yet. I am over that now, and I wish you left me out of anything that is going on between you two now.”)

She says I sent him a birthday email last year, and I say I didn’t. It turns out I did but didn’t remember this… I’ll get to why I didn’t remember in a bit. She says that if I’m not willing to be friends with them as a couple, I shouldn’t be friends with Carsten at all, that I went to school with him 10 years ago… implying I should get over this/him already, or something of the sort. She said I should not contact him. I said “What? I haven’t contacted him. You are the one who is calling me!”

The women goes on with something, “I’m sure you’re a nice person…” blah, blah, blah, “I also went to Columbia…” blah, blah, blah… I finally asked “You’re coming to Chicago? When?” In two weeks she said. I said “Call me up when you’re here and I can tell you everything you want to know.” I said goodbye, and hung up.

After that I called Liz and then Mike, to vent. And then I went into my emails and my blog to read and remember what had happened then. I did send him a birthday email in May of 2010, but it wasn’t until the phone call of June 9th 2010, when he finally told me he was married, had gotten married 2.5 years ago, and his wife was now pregnant and due in August.

So of course I spent the rest of the night thinking of what I should have told her, and what I will tell her if/when she calls again. While I was on the phone with Liz, she called again, or someone did from that same number. But I was busy venting and didn’t answer it. Now she must think I’m avoiding her… but I have nothing to hide, I did nothing wrong. Mike says I shouldn’t go near this woman with a 10-foot pole, because only God knows what kind of whack job she is. But, I can’t stop thinking about it.

So this is what I need to tell her next:

“I’m glad you called again, because I went back to look and yes, I did send Carsten a birthday email in May of 2010 and had completely forgotten about. Let me tell you what happened and you will understand why I forgot about that email.

I met Carsten in 1998, while we were both at Columbia and living at International House. We were flat mates, lived in the same apartment, and become very good friends. There was chemistry between us, but nothing really happened then. At the end of that time, he went back to Germany and I went back to Venezuela. Over the years we kept in contact, an email or call here and there, but nothing much. It wasn’t until 2005 when I moved back to NYC when we started corresponding frequently and we quickly got into this intimate long distance relationship.

We lived in different continents so I didn’t really want to get too involved. He insisted and finally in the summer of 2007 he convinced me to get into a committed, monogamous, long distance relationship with him, in which we saw each other whenever we could meet, and talked/emailed/chatted daily. But that didn’t last long, because toward the end of Sep 2007, after spending some time together in NYC, he completely disappeared. I called and wrote and nothing, he never responded. Time passed and I figured no response, was my response. I was hurt, angry, and couldn’t believe he would just leave me hanging like that, no explanation given, after he had convinced me to get into this.

I processed it. It wasn’t easy; I was very hurt and angry. In 2009 out of the blue, he contacted me. I told him I was still very mad at him, after a few days, he came back and apologized, but I still didn’t want anything to do with him, so we left it at that.

When May 2010 came along and I remembered it was his birthday. I realized I was completely over this, no pain, no anger, and maybe we could bury the hatchet now and even be friends again. I sent him that email, you apparently read, a two liner whishing him a happy birthday. He responded a few weeks after that, saying he was thrilled I was “talking” to him again, and we caught up. I told him what I had been up to in the past years, and he told me about him. You NEVER came up.

He started flirting with me again, and reminiscing about what he had and saying he missed it. I told him it was not my intention to go back to that, I had moved on, and wanted nothing to do with him in that sense, we could be friends, but nothing else. I guess his conscious finally kicked in, after all these years, because after a week or so, he said he needed to talk to me urgently, and he called.

He called to update me on him, and tell me he hadn’t told me the whole story of what was going on with him. He said “I’m married, can you believe? I got married 2.5 years ago.” I was shocked. I couldn’t believe this, and tried quickly to do the math and asked if he was dating me when this happened, to which he responded no. But I knew that was a lie. He then told me that his wife was pregnant and was due in August. To which I congratulated him and asked him to never contact me again. I had no intention of contacting him, so I would appreciate if he didn’t get in touch with me either.

So you see why I forgot about that birthday email? I’ve been trying to delete Carsten from my life ever since, and frankly I do not want to remember anything regarding him.

That was June 2010, I hadn’t heard from him since, until you call. I told him I didn’t want him to contact me, and now I’m telling you. I do not want to be part of anything regarding you or your cheating, lying, bastard husband. So please, do not call me again.”

So there, that’s what I wish I had said… if she had come out and directly asked what was the nature of the relationship I had with Carsten, I would have told her that story, although it wasn’t that fresh in my head until I went back and read everything I wrote then. I have it fresh now, so if she wants to hear it, I can surely tell her. She’s probably not going to like it, but I can tell her the truth, because lord only knows what Carsten has been telling her to get himself out of the mess he created.


10 responses to “The unexpected call detailed

  1. So, wait, let me get this straight…. Carsten is married (back in Germany) and his (German) wife called you to go out for drinks when she comes to Chicago?
    They have been married for 3,5 years now and if you do the math, he was keeping a long distance relationship with you, while he was with her in Germany.
    Oh my.
    Some guys really think they can have it all.

  2. Oh my lord… What a scumbag this dude is, but after my ex nothing really surprises me. Now the nerve of the wife calling… Poor loser! Good for you Jen, I hope you get to tell her the truth… He deserves it!

    • A total scumbag! The wife? Well, he’s probably lying and cheating on her too, and I’m guessing she’s just not falling for all the lies… I just wished she had not tried to manipulate me with all those lies, and had just come out and said what she wanted from me, which was the whole story… we’ll see if she ever calls again.

  3. OMG. I can’t quite believe it.
    What an asshole!
    Sorry, but that’s the only word coming to my mind that fits.
    50% of me hope that she is calling again and you can tell her the truth. The other 50% hope she is not calling and the sorting it out alone.

  4. What a mess – you are handling this well. It’s good that you’re prepared if she contacts you again, but it just may not be worth getting involved. Aren’t you glad he’s no longer (really) a part of your life?

  5. I’ve been in a similar situation. What a fucking mess! If she does contact you, you might as well tell her the whole truth. Maybe she can get the hell away from him. He sounds like he’s pretty messed up.

    • Isn’t it the worst? If she does contact me again (a part of me doesn’t want any more to do with this), I will tell her everything. What she does with that info is her business… to be frank I just want out and far away from this jerk.

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