I’ve been doing a lot of journal writing and friend phone talking this week. Monday was a very sad day, but then Tuesday morning I started doing something about one of the “problems” and instantly felt better. There’s definitely nothing like acting on the issue to start feeling like you have a handle on things again.
By Wednesday I was so happy I couldn’t believe it myself. If you compared me on Monday with me on Wednesday you would think I was two different people. And that just seemed a little strange to me.
So, I decided I was going back to my internal medicine doctor, and see if I can get a hormone test. For months now I’ve been having suspicions that something is going on, organically, with me. About once a month I get overwhelmed with sadness. And when I say overwhelmed, I mean taken over. It’s this sudden urge to cry or burst, a presure in my chest, that can only be released with tears. I gasp, I need to catch my breath and then I cry. It seems to come to me in the most unexpected, inconvenient moments too.And it sounds a lot like PMS to me, which I’ve never really suffered from.
I know I’m homesick. I know I miss NYC more than I could possibly explain. I know getting use to a new city, a new job, new people, and a completely new life, is stressful, and I know that if I don’t exercise much, which I haven’t been doing for lack of time, it accumulates and it either flares up as sadness or anger. All of these things have been happening for months now, and with the recent breakup, and some other family things, I can totally understand feeling sad and overwhelmed. But it’s a bit too much, in terms of how it bubbles up and presures out. And then how quickly I get over it as if nothing had happened.
I’ve also been getting breakouts in my face, chest and back, that weren’t common in me, ever, not even during adolescence when it’s typical. And my nails which used to be super hard and long, are now brittle and break so easily I rarely can let them grow out. I think some biological, internal change is happening in me, and I bet it’s due to aging.
Yes, my status quo is in flux right now, and it will take some time to overcome. But I really think there might be more than just that going on with me, and I’m set to find out. If you have any brilliant insights, I’d love to hear them. In the meantime my doctor’s appointment is next Thursday.