I cried so much yesterday, and if today you ask me why, I would have to say, I don’t really know. I got up early to attend a workshop, and I was fine. A little saddish, but nothing terrible; I was actually looking forward to Monday and starting my workshop and getting on the writing train, now that classes are over.
Somehow, after a brief chat with my sister over airline tickets and visiting dates, I got overwhelmed by it all, and quickly spiraled down through this sad, mad, frustrated tunnel. I wrote, because that’s what I do when I need to get emotions out. But I was so frustrated and mad still, I didn’t quite know what to do. You know when all problems and issues, big and small, that you might have lingering about, suddenly decide to attack you all at once? That’s what happened, and I felt trapped, like someone was sucking the air out of the room and I was about to suffocate. Tears were streaming down, faster than I could wipe them off, and writing was not cutting it. I knew I needed to talk to someone, but who?
I called my mom, no answer. I thought about calling Mike, but he was probably at work still. I called my friend Andrea, in NYC, and she was brilliant. She listened to me and calmed me down, talked me off the frustration ledge and offered suggestions of what to do with each of the various situations I have on my plate currently. All of which individually don’t seem like too bad, but put all together can be quite daunting.
There is the breakup, the homesickness, a situation with my sister which I have yet to talk about, a pending vacation to my parents’ which I really don’t have time for, and work, tons and tons of work I need to get done before the academic year starts all over again in September.
You can see where I could be feeling overwhelmed, right? The sadness is quite understandable too. But the being mad and frustrated with myself, you can only understand if you see my train of thought regarding all of these situations. I’m not going to get into it here, but lets just say I have a very strong sense of responsibility with it all, and seem to believe it is all a consequence of things I did or did not do, making it all my fault. So, yeah, I was furious with myself and frustrated with the fact I didn’t do what was called for, and I guess feeling overwhelmed, and thus just crying it out. Because sometimes crying is what we need to do.
The conversation with my friend Andrea really helped. And after that I decided to go to yoga, and that was blissful. Once I got home I called Mike and talked to him about it too, which also helped. At the end I was all talked and cried out, and feeling much better. I gained perspective, and I know what I want to do about it now.
I don’t think I am magically over everything today, but I understand there are bad days, and then there are good ones too. I just need to get my act together and resolve the things I can, start working on those that constitute a process, and let go of those that are beyond my control. Today is a better day. Today I’m not sad, mad, frustrated, or crying. Today things look different, and for that I am very, very glad.