Being the Man

I’ve been thinking about relationships on and off lately. I’ve been pondering what makes them work, what helps them take off, what makes the difference between “yeah, he’s nice”, to “OMG I really want to see him again”, and how does it go from “I’m really excited about her!” to “I think she just might be the one!”.

If you know anything about me thus far is that I’m quite independent. I’m a bit of a type A personality. Yes, I have my sweet side, yes, I can be as nice as the next girl, but for the most part, I am a go-getter. I identify what it is that I want and then I organize, I plan, I do and I get it. When my friends are struggling, I’m their go-to-gal to help them figure things out, find solutions and tackle it until results are seen. I don’t only plan and set goals, I get the job done. I like solid, measurable results. So it’s not surprising that in the love area I have tried to use the same approach: I see, I want, I go and I get. And that’s great, if I were a man.

If you know any other thing about me, is that I’m as girlie as it gets. I love perfumes, mani/pedis, massages, makeup, dressing up, high heels and looking and feeling like a woman. I am woman, not a man. This is the main reason why I stopped pursuing, I stop playing the guy’s role. I tried it, it doesn’t work, it can’t actually. You see, no matter how modern, how liberal, how avant-garde we are, there are roles for men and women. These roles are not only gender roles set by society and cultural guides, they are much more than that. These roles help define who we are, these roles are embedded in our chemistry. They are part of our biology since centuries ago, we can explain all of these roles from an organic point of view, so why fight them? It’s a losing battle, believe me, I’ve tried.

A friend from work got me into The Millionaire Matchmaker. Have you ever seen it? It airs on Tuesday nights on Bravo. It’s a riot only because the matchmaker, Patty, is a pill, but last week’s episode confirmed what I’ve been thinking for some time now. Men like their role as men, why try to cheat them out of it? We can be as aggressive, independent, dominant, self-sufficient and resourceful as we want, but when with a guy, we gotta let them be the man. It is for a reason women weren’t born with a penis, don’t act like you have one, it doesn’t work, it’s not attractive. This was the message in this particular episode. I couldn’t but smile, It’s so true.

If there is something I’ve learned in all these years of dating and relating to men, is that pursuing them does not work. They need to pursue. Be it because of the chase, the game, whatever you want to call it, but they need it, if not they’re just not interested. If they can’t pursue they might get intimidated, they might get self-conscious, insecure or feel like they’ve fallen into the feminine role, which ultimately threatens their masculinity. It doesn’t matter why, what matters is that we know it, and avoid it. Why? Why can’t we just be the go-getter, aggressive, type A we are? Because we will end up alone, that’s why. Or even worse, attract the feminine energy guys, which if you ask me, would be better off being gay in the dating scene.

I read somewhere some time ago that a man’s job consists of  three Ps, these are: pursue, provide, protect. As women of this era we can surely provide, protect and also pursue. But why take on that role if we can be the provided for, the protected and the pursued? Isn’t it by default, just better? I know I can provide and protect, but for the life of me I will not pursue. I’m the girl dammit! And I like it 🙂 So if you’re a guy and you’re waiting around for me to make a move, for me to initiate it, to pursue, you have another thing coming dear, and by another thing I mean not me. Again, I am the girl, I like my role and as you are threaten by a woman taking on your nature giving role, I am offended by you wanting me to surrender my role and assume balls I was not born with.

For some men this doesn’t work. They want to be the man, but they don’t want to do the work. I get it, no one wants to be rejected, it’s not fun. But you’re the man, it’s your job. You can’t just assume the role when it’s convenient or easy. If you have the masculine energy, use it. And if you don’t, then move aside, because you’re not the one for me.

Being a woman means you have and use your feminine energy. Being a man, means you need to use your masculine energy. I like sweet men, nice, attentive, cute men. But I have a strong personality; I am stubborn and I am spoiled. I know this, I own it. Thus, I need a strong man. Someone who will know when and how to put his foot down. Someone who is confident enough and comfortable in his own skin to say no when it’s appropriate, and not let me get away with everything I want. And believe me, I will try. If I do, I will probably lose respect and interest in the chap.

By no means do I need a jerk, dick, asshole type, who thinks he’s God’s gift to women and treats me with condescension or arrogance.Who in their right mind needs that? I still need him to be kind. There needs to be a balance. As I need to balance my type A, go-and-do-it-myself side with my sweet, feminine side. The man needs to balance his masculine determinism with kindness and tenderness. It’s all about the balance in the end. But definitely, allow the man to be the man, and enjoy the ride, it can be as fun as hell.

3 responses to “Being the Man

  1. I have this phrase that I like to use when I describe the kind of man I am looking for. The one who thinks all my quirks are super cute and fuels my flight of ideas by smiling and nodding, but he has to be able to "take me in hand" when I need it. Because I do, need it.

  2. Kate – "The one who thinks all my quirks are super cute", I love it! It's always good to know exactly what we want, if not we just might end up with what we don't.

  3. Kate – "The one who thinks all my quirks are super cute", I love it! It's always good to know exactly what we want, if not we just might end up with what we don't.

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