It’s my birthday today. I turn a whopping 38 years old. And wow, I’m impressed, aren’t you? I mean, as a kid I always thought, for some strange reason, I would die young. Don’t ask, I was a thinker and no topic was off the table, not even dark ones like death. Anyhow, 38 is not so young, so if I die anytime after this, I guess I will not have died young after all. Unless, you know, I die tomorrow, which then, it might still be considered young by some. How did this post take this morbid turn? Not sure, but lets get back to it, shall we?
It’s my birthday and even though I have to work, grade papers, teach a class and probably read a chapter for my Thursday class, I’m thinking. That’s something I usually do during my birthday or close to it, I think. I revise my life so far, my plans, my goals, my accomplishments and ponder. I ponder if things need revising, if I am where I want to be, if I need to set new goals, if I might just need a little push here or there.
I tend to think my career is on track. It usually is. I’m either starting something, finishing something or in the middle of something I want to accomplish. My professional life has always been pretty straight forward: study, work, accomplish, repeat. My personal life, not so much.
So this is what I’m pondering today, my personal life, my relationships, what I wanted, what I want, where I’m at right now and with some luck, where I’m going from here.
I always wanted to have children, ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to have a baby. Mind you, not tons, just one or maybe two, but I did always want to have children. I haven’t, however been ready to do so. At least not until an epiphany I had in June 2009. Until then I really wasn’t read to sacrifice all there is to sacrifice in order to have kids. I just wasn’t, and I know why. My life was just too great as it was to give up.
Being single and on my own has been great, and still is. Being able to do what I want to do, when I want it, without having to compromise, is absolutely great. To have my career be first, my wants, my goals, to be able to move across states, across continents for my goals, and not have to worry about anyone else but myself is a very good place to be. It’s liberating, it’s freeing and opens you to all and any possibility your might consider. But it did come a time (June 2009) in which I said out load “I want to have a baby” and with that I took on the responsibility it entails: all I would have to sacrifice, all I would have to give up and how much my life would change. It seemed daunting, but doable, and it was worth it (or so I think).
So what next? I needed a guy. Not just any guy. I needed a guy who was ready to have/do what I wanted with me. I needed a guy who also wanted to have a family and was ready for it. A guy who I would love, who would love me and want the same things, hopefully at the same times, as I did. And then, a few weeks after this, I met Jason. Jason is a great guy and I loved him very much, but he was not ready. Thus it didn’t seem as he was the guy I was looking for. We all know how that ended, there is no need to revisit that now, but the point I want to make is that I was focused on what I wanted and needed from a guy, and when I found someone I fell in love with, it was hard to let go because he wasn’t it.
Today, as I rethink what I want, I realize I might be black/whiting this, as I tend to do. I am a very polarized person in my points of views, meaning I take either or positions, ands don’t come naturally to me, I see them, but they’re not my first choice of thought, and gray areas? We’ll lets just say I avoid gray, it’s a bit uncomfortable for me. Regarding relationships, I either want to get married or I don’t, I’m ready to have a kid or I’m not, I’m in love with the guy or I’m not, he wants the same as I do or he doesn’t, there is not much room for middle grounds. And this is how I was looking at the whole “I want to have a baby” situation. Either I found a guy whom I could love and love me back, get married and have a family with, or I wouldn’t. The options where, as you can see, all or nothing at all.
The thing is, there are other options. And I am not only exploring other possibilities, but I’m feeling them out, seeing if there are actually other things I want and could enjoy in the in-between, somewhere in the middle. I’ve asked myself, well, what would happen if you never had a child? And you see, surprisingly, that’s ok. It is actually ok to not have a child during this life time, I would still enjoy my life and be happy.
The thing is, I’ve been approaching dating, well, particularly my relationship with Jason which started, unfortunately, right after my epiphany, through the “what I want for my life” lens. And now that that relationship is over and I’m venturing into dating again, I’m rethinking the whole approach. Yes, I still want to have a family, and hopefully find the right guy to do so. But, and here is where the big change of mind comes in, do I want to spend the rest of my life looking for that guy and alone if I don’t find him? No. So I need to reconsider my game plan.
I want to be with a man whom I love and who loves me too. I want to have an active sex life. I want a man who is there for me and whom I can be there for as well. I want a partner, someone to go to sleep with, to talk to, to share dreams and fears with. Not just a good dad for children I might have in the future. So, although that would be nice too, I need to regroup and focus on the guy. If the kid part happens, great. If it doesn’t then, it’s ok too because I will happy and not on my own, which is something I want too, and is not too shabby either way.
So this birthday, I’m changing my wish. I’m refocusing. I’m rethinking what I want. And, yay me, I’m allowing myself to see the gray, to consider other options, to open myself to possibilities. Next time a guy, a great guy, shows up, who is not ready, but still wants to be with me and I with him, I will let the big dream go, because life is short, and for all I know, I could end up dying young after all.