It’s Friday and I should be jumping out of my seat with joy. I could potentially sleep-in tomorrow! Now that would make my day any other day. But today? Not so much. I’ve been in this “mood” this week. It started around Tuesday and for some reason I haven’t been able to shake it yet.
There are a few reasons I can find to explain it, or at least try to understand the why of the “mood”. I’m tired. I’m very, very tired. I’m working tons, but still have not made much headway in any other aspect of my job but teaching. Planning and tending to students is sucking up my life. I did get some progress done on my service piece, and am now going to do some professional development for teachers in a school who agreed to open their doors to my students for their field experiences, and might be working with some other infant-toddler teachers on bilingual ed training as well. So I guess, not all time was spent on teaching. Progress.
But, I’m not only just tired and feeling a little frustrated I can’t seem to get the time management under control to fit all the tasks I want to do. I’m also pensive. Rethinking why I’m here, and what is it I want now. Which could be a whole post in and of itself. On top of that, little day-to-day life activities are getting to me. That harder-than-it-should-have-been trip to the supermarket, my car permanently dirty because I park under a tree at home, the not having an elevator, are all getting to me. But when I think I need to move again I start hyperventilating, because really, I do not like to move. Remember what I said yesterday about change? Yeah, move=change=not good.
But that’s not all. For some reason C popped into my head this week and now when I drive to and from work, my thoughts go there, to that place of feeling hurt, let down, lied to, and altogether just played with. My approach to thoughts about C has been “let it go, it’s not worth it” and just think about something else. So basically, I dismiss it, ignore or deny it. Pretend it didn’t happen, or at least don’t give it enough power to suck up my energy. When this doesn’t work, because let’s be realistic, when has denial ever worked in the long run? I do what in psychology is called reframing, which consist of giving the same set of circumstances a different meaning, by looking at them and understanding them from a different frame point. This allows me to see a potentially negative situation in a positive light and thus quickly steer from whatever feelings those thoughts might trigger, and be able to act on the situation in a different way. It’s not easy, it takes practice, but I’ve been doing it for years.
In C’s case though, I think reframing hasn’t helped me. Or at least I don’t seem to be “there” yet. Today, on my drive to work, I realized I need to confront my feelings and accept them for what they are right now. Acceptance, it’s one of the stages of grief. It’s actually the last one. But I’m not talking about accepting the situation, taking the good and moving on from there. I’m not ready for that yet. I’m talking about accepting anger. Which is stage three, right after shock-denial and pain-guilt, which I have gone through already.
It’s the only way I will truly be able to let this go, to move past it and to not be surprised mid activity with a fleeting thought of “I can’t believe he did that to me”. He did do that to me, I believe it. I’m not denying it, not shocked any more about how low he could be. I’m past feeling guilty about it, as if I could have done something to prevent it. Maybe avoid the whole situation by not getting into it to begin with. It’s done, and him being an ass is not my fault. No, right now I’m angry. Right now I hate him. Yes, hate is a strong word, and I usually don’t hate anything or anyone, but today I hate him. I hate what he took from me. I hate what he did, and what he kept from me. I hate him, I’m angry at him and wish I could physically hurt him and give him as much pain as he caused me, with my bare hands, preferably.
And there you have it, I am in stage 3 of the grief process: anger and bargaining (no real bargaining here, because no one is dying) and sometimes stage 4: “depression”, reflection, loneliness. The upside is that the next stages are reframing. They consist of an upward turn, a reconstruction and working through, and finally, acceptance, and hope. Hope, that’s what I’m striving for, because that’s exactly what he took from me, and that’s why right now I hate him so much.
Well, I feel better now. Fuis! Don’t you?