Ever wonder why we do this to ourselves? What sort of masochist rush we get from torturing ourselves with what might have been? I do, because often, I go down the what-if path and wonder. What if I hadn’t studied education? What if I hadn’t applied for graduate school? What if I hadn’t decided to move to NYC? What if I hadn’t taken this job? What if I had married my college boyfriend? What if Chavez hadn’t won the elections back in 1999? What if 9/11 hadn’t happened? What if I still lived in Venezuela? Where would I be? What kind of person would I be? How would I be living my life? With whom?
I wonder and ponder these things because apparently, I like torturing myself with intangibles and wasting precious time on things that, will now, never be. Not that I regret the decisions I’ve made (although if it were in my power both Chavez and 9/11 would have never happened). In fact, I wouldn’t change anything regarding my life and where I am right now, but still, I sometimes wonder how it would be if it were, say, different.
Take last night for example. The new TV season started this week and a new episode of Castle was on. I love that show. I find it light, funny and entertaining. Plus it doesn’t hurt that mainly all the actors are gorgeous and nice to look at. Nathan Fillion is one charming man and not at all bad looking. But this show, and Nathan in particular remind me of Jason. Jason knew I liked it and although he didn’t, he sometimes watched it with me. And by some turn of fate Jason and Nathan look somewhat a liked. So last night while I was watching the show I thought of Jason and wondered what if?
Where would we be if we hadn’t broken up? Would I had still moved to Chicago? Would he had moved with me? Would we be in a unbearable long distance relationship and missing each other terribly? Would we had ended it by now anyway?
I’ve always thought it would be sort of cool to have parallel lives. Remember that movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow? What if we created a parallel life every time we made a decision? If whenever we decided this instead of that, two lives would develop, one, having made the first choice and another, if we had taken the second. If that were possible then we could take a glimpse of what was happening in our lives IF we had chosen option number two instead. It would be brilliant! We could just peak in to the other side and see all the what-ifs and not waste all this precious time on imponderables, and ultimately be able to relax and just enjoy Nathan Fillion on TV!