Happy and Sad

Last night was the Ricky Gervais show at the Theater at Madison Square Garden. The show I had bought tickets to for Jason’s birthday present. After we broke up I never got rid of the tickets and when we started talking about getting together to exchange things last week, I thought why not go to the show? So I invited him to meet me last night at 7.30 pm at a close-by place. Without telling him where we were going or what we were doing, but letting him know we would be doing something fun for a couple hours. He had the night off and agreed to meet with me.

I bought a belated birthday card which read something like “your birthday came, your birthday went, this is the card I should have sent”, it had some sort of apology for missing the birthday and then a nice message from me, and the tickets. I gave it to him and he was very surprised. He had no idea what we were going to do or see, so my mission was accomplished, it was a total surprise.

I felt proud of myself when I found this gift back in feb/march, thinking it was the perfect gift for him. And felt happy that I could give it to him now in-spite of everything, and share the experience with him, and watch him enjoy it so. It was a hit of a gift and we had a great time.

The show was great. We truly laughed non stop from beginning to end. The opening guy was good too, but Ricky was brilliant. I love that guy. He has this funny, sweet charm, how can one not like him? I didn’t have my camera with me, so the iPhone cam had to do. The pictures are not great, but you get the sense. The place was packed!

After the show I had to use the bathroom and hadn’t had dinner, so we found a diner across the street and sat, ate and talked for a while. We were catching up, like nothing had happened. We sat there and talked about things that have happened these past months, about people we know, just getting updated. At some point it felt like nothing had happened and we had been together all this time, this was just another outing, it felt familiar, it felt easy and nice. But because there wasn’t any physical connection between us (which was so common with us all the time) it felt weird too; different, like something was missing. And of course that was a reminder of the current state of things: we aren’t together anymore.

He was truly happy for me and everything going on in my life and I liked that. I was happy he’s working and sorting out his money/work/professional issues and seems to be doing alright. But I couldn’t but think how it would be now if we hadn’t broken up. I couldn’t but sit there, across from him, and feel sad about what is not anymore and about how much I’ve missed him and still do. I struggled with what I was feeling. I was sad and didn’t want to be sad. I wanted to be there, enjoy it and be happy. I pushed the tears away, I didn’t want to cry and I didn’t until I was alone.

Once I was alone though, I cried and cried and cried some more. On the subway, on the bus, walking to my building and once I got home. Actually, once I got home I truly let it out. It was like I had been holding it in, which I had, because crying in public is not really my thing. Thank God I had tissues with me, because I was wearing mascara and that could have gotten ugly.

Anyhow, the crying is not what worries me. I seem to be at peace with that now. I knew I would get emotional, I knew the part after the show, after the funny/fun bits might be difficult and I was sort of prepared for that. What worries me now is sensing myself so attached still. If you ask me right now what is it that I want, I would honestly say I want us to get back together and spend the summer (the time I have left in NYC) having fun together. I know it makes no sense, I know that might make me more attached and make the goodbye at the end harder, I know it might set me back and have even more good memories to try to detach myself from come August. But my want is not rational, it’s emotional and it IS what I want.

I realized last night none of this is rational or makes much sense. I realized if I could focus on the negatives, the down falls, I could convince myself he’s not the right guy for me, for several reasons I will not get into here. But I also realized that in-spite of all that, I still want to be with him, spend time with him and laugh and smile together. I miss that, oh lord how I miss that.

It’s not that I don’t know how to be happy on my own. I have been plenty happy these days and I know that when this sprout of sadness passes, because it will, I will feel happy again. But last night, at some point, he said “You look really good, have you lost weight?” and I said “Nah, I wish. I think it’s just that I’m happy. I have a theory that when people are happy, they look good.” Yet as I said “I’m happy” I almost cried.

And I think this sums up well where I am at at the moment. I seem to be this bag of mixed emotions, where happy meets sad at any given moment. Happy about all the endings and new beginnings, happy about my accomplishments and the new life about to start. Yet sad that he’s not here to share it with me, sad that I can’t share my happy times with him and thus have them feel somewhat incomplete. I want it to feel great, I want it to be whole again. I want him back.

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2 responses to “Happy and Sad

  1. This is why I can't ever be friends with men that I've dated. There's always the "what if" in the back of my mind and going back for a second round is never a good idea – even if you think it will "just be for the summer." It's usually more painful and disastrous when it ends the second time – as it always does.I'd say, soak up NYC. Learn to love being by yourself again. It will come in major handy when you move to a new city. Be melancholy about leaving NY, go see all the things you know you will miss. And do it alone. It's you and the city. Go, girl!It's still okay to cry though. I don't want you to think the mourning has to be over. Just keep walking through it.

  2. Kate – I know, I know. Replays seldom work out and I am risking it being even more difficult to leave, but the heart wants what the heart wants… anyhow I haven't really decided to act on it, my rational side is still winning. I do think this is a great idea: "I'd say, soak up NYC. Learn to love being by yourself again. It will come in major handy when you move to a new city. Be melancholy about leaving NY, go see all the things you know you will miss. And do it alone. It's you and the city. Go, girl!" and my plan is to make it so.

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