I went out with my friend JW yesterday. We hadn’t seen each other in months, since he had been traveling in South America for a while. He wanted to hear my story, I wanted to hear his opinion on it. I wanted to specifically ask him about Jason’s gift and what he thought I should do in regards to it. He flat out thinks it’s a bad idea to send him the tickets. His vote is a big, strong NO.
I understand his reasoning and think he has a very valid point. He thinks I will invest time and emotions in buying the card and mailing it to him. I will then be expecting him to acknowledge it and say thanks. And then the day of the show, I’ll be thinking who he’s going with, if he’s enjoying it, etc, etc. I will attach myself more, instead of facilitating me moving on.
I agree with that. I think he’s right, but I’m not sure that’s what I want to do. There is also the possibility that giving him the gift will open a door for communication. There is a possibility that if we are meant to be (as JW said) giving him the gift will facilitate getting back together, and right now, emotionally that is what I want. Rationally though, is a whole different story.
Something shifted in my thinking ever since I got back from Venezuela. I have been telling myself, every time I’m sad, miss him or want to be with him, “He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want to be with you.” And that has made me change my focus and concentrate more on myself, just me alone, and not so much him and what I’m missing.
I am moving on and I feel zero contact is best for me, if moving on in a healthy fashion is what I really want. I still don’t want to take action out of anger, pride or ego. I want to be in touch with the positives, I want to feel the love. But I realized yesterday, that I am angry. I can’t really say at whom or why, but I am angry, and acknowledging that and letting it out will help me. Exercising and writing does this a bit for me, but sometimes I just wish I had a baseball bat and could hit the crap out of something, preferably inanimate, but still, get it all out.
Last night I was catching up on online TV I missed when I was away, and saw some very enlightening relationship issues and how they were resolved by the people involved. True, this is TV, not real life. But the bottom line is that when there is love and the will to work things through, people communicate, they talk and eventually they figure out what’s best. We didn’t do that, we didn’t try to understand each other together, we didn’t talk about it and try to find a solution. I guess the proclamation he didn’t love me and that something was missing for him, shut down all possibility of communication.
I saw he took off his date of birth from FB and I realized he must be having issues with his birthday coming up. I know how he feels about his birthday and all the thoughts of failure and shame he associates with it. For him, it’s another reminder of where he is not in his life at an age in which he thought he would be so much better off. I understand this, but it makes me sad. It makes me sad he’s stuck viewing the negatives and not appreciating what he does have. It makes me sad that he pushed me away when I could have been helping him get through this and giving him some happy, good moments to balance out the bad. It makes me sad he doesn’t want to be with me while I feel he needs me the most.
I thought about the gift and how I feel, the right thing to do, the good thing to do, is to give it to him. It will brighten up his day, it will make him feel good. I searched to see how strong I am right now, and I know, emotionally I have taken a beating and I’m not at my strongest state. I want to protect myself from hurting, but I’m really trying to see if right now, when he needs it most, I can be stronger and do the good thing, the loving thing. I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do… the fact that he claims he doesn’t love me stings and blinds me. Why do I care so much for someone who says he does not care for me in the same way? Because I know he does. I felt it then and I still feel it now. He does love me, he just can’t see it now.
JW says men come back once women have moved on, because they realize they weren’t bluffing this time. I’m not there. I haven’t moved on. The thing is, I know once I do, there will be no turning back. I’m a scorpio, and yes as JW says scorpios are one of the most relationship oriented, loyal, stick to the bitter end signs. But knowing myself, scorpios are also very polarized and view things in either/or ways, which don’t allow too much for fuzziness or gray areas. Once I decide, make up my mind and truly move on, there will be no way on earth, whatsoever, for me to go back. I know this about myself. Pride will kick-in at some point, and as much as I’m trying to keep it at bay, pride gives me strength and right I could use all the muscle power I can get.
Help me out here, please. What would you do? Would you give him the gift? Why?