I was holding on to the unfounded expectation he would come back. It was wishful thinking. I realize now that what I need to focus on and repeat to myself daily is what he said to me and not try to explain it and understand it. “He tried, he did his best and he’s just not feeling it, something is missing, he’s not in love with me.” This is reality, all the rest is just pie in the sky.
People tell me this is not the end, people fight, they disagree, they get back together, they work things out. People who knew us together don’t get it, and think he’s going through a tough time professional-wise and made a decision under the influence of that situation. And then someone asked me the other day if I thought this was definite. I paused and calmly said “I think so.” Because you see, this was not a fight or a disagreement, this is lack of love and when there’s no love there’s nothing to wait for, nothing to do, nothing to fix, nothing to work out, because there’s just nothing there.
I realize this now. I realize that even though I love him, he just might be right and we just might not be a good match. Yes, we get along, yes we’re compatible in many ways and yes we somehow bring out the good in each other and relate as the good people we are. But that doesn’t mean we are meant to be together. When I realized I loved him I wasn’t thinking I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was just opening myself up to feel, to refocus on the positives and embrace the possibilities. I fell in love with him and was happy to feel happy. That was it. That’s where I was. I wasn’t thinking of anything beyond that.
Loving him didn’t mean to me I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Yes, I want to get married and have a family with a man whom I love and who loves me too, but I wasn’t there with him. I just knew I loved him, that was it. I’ve walked away from men I loved deeply before because it just wasn’t it. Probably bad timing and not necessarily bad match. But still, I don’t think love is the end all be all, there are other things. Relationships end regardless of love. But, I also know that if there is no love it won’t last a sneeze.
So, I’m moving on. Going home gave me the distance necessary to gain some perspective, to see things as they are now and not keep holding on to how I want them to be. I am finally letting go. And one of the things I did this morning was remove Jason from my blog, so now he can’t come here and see what I’m writing. The main reason I made the blog private was because I was feeling constrained by thinking who might be reading it, and by doing so I was limiting myself in what I was sharing. The fact that I knew Jason could read my blog and was doing so (he told me) was making me think too much about what I was posting and the tone I was using. Besides, I didn’t think it was fair for him to know about me, what I was thinking and feeling, and me not being able to know anything about him (he doesn’t blog, rarely tweets or posts on FB, and when he does it’s nothing really personal).
I am having seconds thoughts about doing this though. You see I don’t want to embrace the negatives. I don’t want to be angry at him, at me, or at anyone. I don’t want to be bitter or jaded. I want to let this go, knowing he is a great guy and he did nothing to hurt me intentionally. I want to keep feeling the good things, hold on to the love. But you see, holding on to the love keeps me in this position of hoping he’ll change his mind, it doesn’t seem to let me move forward. I seem to need some energizing force to kick me back on track. And the deleting him, removing him, feels like I’m saying “Well there, take that, I’m moving on now!” And that’s not how I want to feel.
I went for a jog along the river today. The weather is great and it’s making it easier to be back. I’m focused on work and have a long to-do list filled with important relevant and urgent things I need to address. I have the energy and the frame of mind now to tackle them. I do feel sad still now and them, and when the longing and missing hit, I still need to go grab my tissue box. But I am much better and I know that this whole “I’m moving on” phase is positive, even though it’s coming with a kick of anger and resentment. I hope that will go away soon. Little by little. It is all getting better and hopefully in a few more weeks I’ll be bouncing back as before.