I wrote this some days back and didn’t post it. I’m in a much better place today, not feeling so sad and actually being able to concentrate and work, but I figured there’s some learning here and I thought I’d share.
Most every relationship that I‘ve had, I have ended. I think I have shared here before what that means to me, how I interpret it. This time it was different.
I didn’t quit. Yes, initially I could only see the negatives. The things with him, with us, I didn’t like. The things, I thought, if I took on would mean letting go of my dreams. But still, I didn’t quit. I gave it time. I gave myself time to see things in a more positive way. And eventually, I did.
I stuck around. I realized I didn’t have all the answers. I realized I don’t know what the future may bring, how things may change. I understood making a decision thinking of the future, based on the present was not a sure thing, for the mere fact that the present is ever changing. I don’t control the outcomes, so why set myself to believe the outcome would be negative if it could just as well be positive?
I turned a page. I allowed myself to see things positively and gave myself the opportunity to see the good in him and stuck to that, and by doing so I fell in love. And I think that’s a good thing.
The downside to that was that while I was embracing the positives, he was looking at the negatives. We were, in his words, missing each other. Another example of how we do not connect. While my friends were asking about him and I was answering he was great, we were great, he was seeing things quite the opposite. So as all this happened last weekend I am left feeling like someone just pulled the rug from under me and did not bother to give me notice.
I thought we had time. I thought we were embarking in this, not about to sink to the bottom. He says we didn’t work. I thought we were getting there and actually having quite a good time while doing so.
You can see how this is not only painful because it’s the end of a relationship, but for me, it’s a bit of a surprise too. He’s emotional. I’m on the rational side. It sort of bothered him, I think, I didn’t cry easily. Well, I got news from him, because now I can prove that not only can I cry, I can’t seem to stop. I need a hug.