Now that I am calmer and I can think about things without actually breaking down, I seem much more objective. Pieces of conversations, comments and their tone have been coming back to me, and by thinking about them I have understood a little more.

For example, I remember him telling me that he thought our spiritual differences were too big and they would eventually bring up issues, problems, which would be too much and make the relationship not work in the future. While explaining this, he said “I don’t want a big Catholic wedding!” I just listened to him, I wanted to hear him out, to see what he was thinking, what his reasoning was and where he was coming from; I wanted to understand the base to his decision to split up.

I realized he was angry. “The big Catholic wedding” made him angry. But then I tried to remember when I said I wanted a big Catholic wedding and couldn’t really recall having said that. I told him about Liz’s wedding, about Venezuelan weddings in general and I think he assumed I wanted that too. It’s interesting to me because, you see, every single time I’ve been asked what kind of wedding I want (you know girls tend to talk about this stuff and my friends have asked me, although I’ve never been even close to getting married), I always answer, I really don’t know.

Ever since I was little I knew I wanted to get married, fall in love, have a family, have a baby, but I never envisioned the wedding. I know women who have a very clear image of the wedding they want, the venue, the dress, even the flowers. I’ve never done this. One, because I’ve never actually have had to plan a wedding and two, because I think it will ultimately depend on the situation I am in, we are in, when it happens. I think the type of wedding I’ll end up having will depend on the guy I’m marrying, where we live, where we are in our lives by then, and the budget we have. Without knowing that, it seems futile to me to imagine a wedding.

I’ve had friends who have gotten married in parks at beaches and have had incredible beautiful weddings. A blogger friend got married in Central Park last summer, she had the reception with around 50 people in a restaurant and stuck to a budget of ten thousand dollars, and it was breathtaking. See, that I do know, I want my wedding to be beautiful. I think we all want any celebration of milestones in or lives to be beautiful, but a particular setting, a specific place? Not so much, at least not in my case.

Anyway, it seemed a bit strange to me that he had brought up “the big Catholic wedding” because we never talked about getting married. We weren’t there, not even close. Why was he thinking of this? Why was this an obstacle now for a future with us later, if we hadn’t even thought of spending the rest of our lives together? I’m not sure. I guess he can only answer that question.

The conclusion I have come to though, is that we were seeing this relationship from very different stance points. I think if we had given ourselves the chance to hear each other out, to talk about whatever was bothering us; we could have come to realize that we did not have the ultimate truth. There is two sides to every relationship issue, two points of view, two perspectives, and if we had talked about it, communicated, maybe we could have come to a consensus.

It seems to me this decision was a bit rash and probably taken under the influence of anger, frustration, and tinted by confusion. The decision was made, was then explained and informed, but never really negotiated. There seem to be no room to change his mind, to see things differently.

Although, I could be mistaken, I’ve been wrong before. Maybe this was the most enlighten decision he’s ever made and he’s as sure as ever that we are actually not meant to be and would not work out regardless of all the communication possible. That moving on is the best thing to do and we will be better off for it in the future. Who knows? I guess this is another question he can only answer.

For now, I am calmer, I feel much better. Things will get better from here on. I can do this. I can move on. Going home will help me gain the emotional strength I’ve lost these past days. It will put me in a better place and when I come back I will be able to see this whole situation in a better light. I will be ok. I will be fine.


2 responses to “Calmer

  1. Two of everything… you need two to tango… así decía mi mamá and she was right.I've learned a lot in the past two years with my bf… two of everything…I just love the way we analyze everything in order to accommodate things and move on. You are OK Jen, I can feel that you are through your words, through your sharing.

  2. Mond – It does indeed take two to tango, maybe that's why I haven't learned to tango yet. I've always wanted to take tango lessons ;)I know, I think I am over analyzing a bit, but at this point I'm letting myself do whatever I feel I need to do in order to feel better. That's actually why I decided to go home, although I still fear it won't be the best decision dissertation-wise. This whole thing's timing just sucks, but I guess Jason's right, there's no good time to go through this. I'm not quite ok Ing. I will be, at some point, but I'm still not there.Thank you for coming here and reading me and leaving me your comments. I can feel your support and kindness through your words. Thank you.

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