Yesterday I ventured out of my apartment for the first time in days. More so in search of company and not wanting to be alone, than anything else, but even so going out seem like a big step forward for me. I went over to my sister’s to spend the night. At first, when I got there, it didn’t seem as the greatest idea, but after a lot of talking and crying I felt much better. Liz gave me a sleeping pill and I slept through the night, which made the world of a difference.
Today I had a full day, packed with going to Nick’s recital at school, yoga, picking up some papers at TC and then chiropractor appointment. Up until last night I wasn’t sure if I could get through all that or if I’d lose it before or during any of those to-dos, so I started the day a little weary of the results. As it turns out I cried much less today. I’m thinking that since it’s day 4, and 4 has to be better than 3, today was actually much better than yesterday.
I decided to take my parents up on their offer and go to Venezuela for the week. So I leave Friday and come back 10 days from then. At first I was ambivalent, not sure if it was a good idea given I still have a ton of work to do on my dissertation. But I need emotional comfort right now, and what better place than a beautiful beach town surrounded by my family, who has always loved me unconditionally? I think there’s no place better for me to be at this time.
I also was hit at some point during the day with an epiphany and since then have been strangely calm. I haven’t cried since early afternoon. This is progress.
I think the combination of these three things (being it day 4, the trip home and the epiphany) has made today the best day yet. I think it will only get better from here. Sure, I’m not discounting the fact that tomorrow might not be as great again, but I’m telling myself “baby steps”, “one day at a time”, “focus on the present” and I think that’s helping.
I smiled today too. I’m usually a smiley person, but had not smiled in days, and today I smiled quite a bit. That right there is a win in my book. Also, I got “The Time Travelers Wife” DVD in the mail, I went back to the pizza place and I bumped into a Mr Softee truck, and didn’t lose it or break out into tears any of those times. Progress I’m telling you! Progress!