I had written this yesterday and had scheduled it to post. Then I changed my mind and canceled the post, and then now I feel like I need help and I thought I shared this anyway.
I have this very cool present for Jason’s birthday. I got it some weeks back, and ever since I got it I’ve been dying to give it to him. I know he’ll love it. At least I think so. But his birthday is not until April and now that we’re not together, it’s a little bitter sweet to give it to him. Especially because I wanted to enjoy it with him, to see his face when he enjoyed it.
You see, it’s not a thing I got him, it’s more of an experience and I sort of wanted to be there with him when he smiled broadly and laughed about it. Because, he will laugh. I’m going to give it to him anyway and he’ll decide who he wants to share it with. It’s ok. The present was for him. It’s ok if I’m not there.
(This is actually killing me. I was so excited for his birthday, had been thinking for weeks what to get him, I wanted the perfect gift. I wanted to make his birthday as special for him as he made mine for me. And when I got this idea I was thrilled! I wanted so much to spend it with him.)
We talked last night and as a result I think I’m more of a mess today than I expected I would be. It’s not quite better than yesterday, as I thought it would be. I miss him so much.
I know I should be going out, doing things, focusing on something else, but I crumble down and cry all the time. I don’t want to go out and be embarrassed on top of sad. I feel alone. I miss my friend, the one I talked to every day. I miss my life from just a few days ago. I want it back. I want this to go away. I want this to never have happened. I was happy. I felt safe and cared for. Now I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to be brave. I tell myself it’s ok, it’s going to get better, I can do this. But the truth is right now, I can’t do this. It’s too hard.
My mom just asked if I could take a week off and go home. Maybe that’s a good thing. To change environments. Even though I would still have to come back here, with all the memories, with all the sadness. But maybe if I go home it will give myself a little break and I’ll be stronger when I come back. I need to think about this. I have to work on my dissertation, but right now all I really need is internet access to be able to communicate via email. I can go away for a week and work there… I think. I’m not getting much work done here either. I can’t seem to concentrate for too long. I miss him so very much. It hurts too much.