Jason and I broke up. Or should I say, he broke up with me? I’ve not been able to stop crying in the past three hours. I’ve been telling myself it’s ok, it’s going to be ok. I’ve been reminding myself this is the first day, the first day is always the worse. It will get better. I will stop crying. Yet, I don’t.
I finally get myself showered and dressed. Skipped the mascara because that could have been disastrous. I start thinking of all the things I could do to help me feel better. Comfort food. Go to the MET, Central Park. Call Liz or a friend. But every time I think of doing something outside, a flood of tears comes running out and I’m left rolled up in a ball in a corner unable to breathe properly. How am I going to make it out in public like this? I am a total mess.
I head out finally. I try calling again. Again I get answering machines from Liz, Cas and Ina. I don’t know who else I could call. If this were any other situation, I would call Jason. He’s right, it is cliché, but he’s my friend and we both will miss that… Anyhow, before I start crying again. In light of no one picking up and me being about to lose it on a bench in front of my building (this is as far as I had gotten), I decide to get moving. Walk, keep busy. I decide food, comfort food will help me. I trek over to Crumbs to get that B&W cookie with frosting I so like. They don’t have it.
What the hell? Why is this happening? No one answers, I can’t find my comfort food, it’s like the universe is trying to tell me “you gotta deal with this one on your own my dear”.
At some point I see 333 and I make a wish “please help me get over this sadness, please”. I try Liz again and nothing, I finally leave a message. “We broke up about three hours ago, since then I can’t seem to stop crying, I don’t know what to do, please call me back”.
I’m still focused on food. Pizza. I should go for a slice of pizza. I haven’t had lunch, maybe that will help. No. The last time I went to that place was Friday, with Jason, I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to break down at the pizza place. I go to the supermarket. I get some food. I realize it’s almost 5 and I haven’t had lunch, no wonder I have a splitting headache. Well, that and the fact I’ve done not much but cry for the past 4 hours.
When I was trying to call someone I thought how I would call Jason if he wasn’t the one I just broke up with. I thought of just going over. I need a hug. I need him to hold me and tell me this will get better, it will be ok. But that’s not a good idea. I can’t just show up in Brooklyn. Besides, he sees no future with us, what am I going to do? Convince him otherwise?
And then I think. If he was having issues with the relationship, with me, why didn’t he bring it up? Both times we have talked about our relationship it’s been because I have brought it up, albeit not intentionally, but still it’s come from me. Oh yes, I remember. He’s was going with the flow, trying not to think he’s way out of the relationship. But how was it going to get better if he didn’t tell me what was bothering him? If we didn’t try to fix things? If we didn’t at least try to change and work it out? No, he tried, on his own, and it didn’t work and now it’s best to say good bye, to quit.
I didn’t quit. (At this point the heavens part). I didn’t quit! That’s a good thing. Oh my God, I didn’t quit! Yes, sure, once it was clear to me that he didn’t love me, that he thought there was no future for us, that we didn’t agree in deeper things like the spiritual stuff, the big catholic wedding he doesn’t want, etc, etc, I agreed breaking up was the best thing to do and I said my goodbyes. But my initial reaction was not to quit, and that is a good thing. A very good thing. I smile. It is going to be ok.
It’s going to be ok. I need some food, to focus on the positives and to remember that the first day is the worse. In a few weeks or a few months, I will be ok.
I don’t quite understand why this is happening now though. It couldn’t have waited until May? Until after his birthday, after the dissertation defense, after my graduation? Nope, it has to happen now, right in the middle of dissertation writing and prepping. In the middle of job searching and feeling ambivalent about my professional life. Right in the middle of one of the most stressful times. Well, maybe that’s exactly why. Stress apparently calls on more stress.
I wish I could fast forward a few months and feel better instantly, but I don’t have that luxury. I need to work on my dissertation. I can’t just zoom forward and not do the work, or hide under a rock and wait for all of this to pass. I need to get over this. I need to start now.
It will be ok. Baby steps. One day at a time. At least I’m not crying right now and that right there is a good thing. Another good thing. It will be ok. It will be ok.