What’s important to you?

“I don’t like Jazz.”

“Oh come on, maybe you just haven’t heard the good stuff.”

“Maybe. Maybe I haven’t, but I know that what I’ve heard, I do not like. It sounds like everyone is playing their own individual song, nothing goes together. It just sounds very chaotic to me.”

“Oh, you definitely haven’t heard the good stuff. You should try it, I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Why? Why is it so important that we like the same music? Why does it matter if I like jazz or I don’t? It’s not like we have to share the same iPod now is it? Who cares what music I like and if it’s the same or not as his? I’ve never quite understood why in the compatibility tests in online dating websites they make such a fuss about sharing likes in hobbies, music, films, sports and the sort. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s that these things seem meaningless to me when it comes to compatibility. Maybe it’s that they are not deal breakers to me. Maybe they are for someone else. Still, it seems to me that more common than not the guys I go out with seem interested in knowing what I like in order to see if we’re a good match, and to me this is a little irrelevant.

Right off the bat what I’m interested in is chemistry. I need to know, and usually do within minutes, if I’m attracted to the guy, if I’m interested in him and if I see myself being intimate with him or not. That’s pretty straight forward to me. If I’m not attracted there will be no launching, nowhere to go from there. We could be friends, but guys usually don’t like to be told that.

The next step once chemistry and attraction are there, is to determine what kind of relationship I will be able to have with this guy, if any. And this goes straight to what is important to me. Is he a good guy, meaning does he have his heart in the right place? Will he do the right thing when the rubber meets the road? This is about being honest and being responsible. These things I usually don’t know from the get go. I need some time, get to know the guy to be able to determine if there’s any integrity there, or if this will be just another emotionally stunt, self-absorbed, commitment phobic and ultimately just plain rude dude (I’ve had my share of each and every one of these). So depending upon his personality and values I know if it has the potential of being serious or if it will inevitably fall under the booty call, friends with benefits or just a few dates categories.

Once we’ve established he’s a good guy and I like him, then life goals and long term wants come into play. Does this guy want a family? Does he like kids? Will he want to have one one day? Is he close to his family? What does he deem important? Where do his priorities lie? What does he want out of his life? This is what’s important to me, not what kind of music he likes. I couldn’t care less about that. But I guess that makes for good small talk and for some people it might be important. Although really, do you see yourself saying “Hmmm, no, he’s not the guy for me because, can you believe? He likes watching basketball! Ugh, who can ever live with a guy that likes that?!”? Do you?

7 responses to “What’s important to you?

  1. I’m with you on this one. I don’t care much about they type of music a guy likes or his favorite sport. The things that are important to me, in a man, are the things that take time to assess.

  2. Eso me sonó a un capítulo de Sex & the city donde Carrie se liga a un mùsico jazzero y la cuasiobliga a escuchar su música. Igual me recuerda a un tipo que conocí la semana pasada que intentó educarme en cuanto al jazz porque a mi tampoco me gustaqué flojera que quieran que te guste su música

  3. As I have been married forever, I can let you know- nobody fits like a glove. You agree to disagree. You give them their space, but take space of your own they can’t have. Non communication isn’t always a bad thing- lying is. The older you get, the more you get set in your ways. Unyielding people don’t enjoy life, they just get their way. Don’t buy in to a perfect world- it ain’t…

  4. Jen, maybe it´s that online websites, match making sites etc are thinking ahead. I mean compatibility to do things together… I am totally with you in regards to attraction/chemistry first, then if it´s a good guy (very important), then goals in life, that for me it´s related to be more in life, to be successful, lately I´ve been thinking on that, been successful in life, been ambitious, about knowledge, work, even if your work o what you do it charity work, I think been successful in life makes you happy and if you are happy you can make people happy around you… But I am turning aside of the topic, sorry!!! The thing is that next in third place for me it´s music, sports, if he enjoys going to the movies and watching TV or if he likes reading, it´s just that I normally do those things and I would like to share that with my partner, for example I like Air Supply and next month they are coming to give a concert and unfortunately I am alone now and I´m still going alone, but if I had a boyfriend a partner or whatever you want to call him I would like to go with him and what would happen if he doesn´t like that kind of music?… I know no one if a perfect match but at least if you don´t like the same kind of music you would have to be able to enjoy it with the one that you love and if you don´t like it at all it would be very difficult to share end enjoy things together… I don´t know if I am making my point…

  5. I agree. There are things that are much more important and in the different things we can find balance and enrichment. Then again, sometimes small things can be big. I had a boyfriend who loved metal music and insisted in listening on only listening to that loudly. He wanted me to like it, so he also insisted in playing it for me. All I got out of it were headaches.

  6. yeah all good points. I guess though that we need somewhere to start, and the dating sites can't ask all those big questions so will ask the little ones. Have to say I've never ended up with a guy who likes the same music and clubbing like I do. Probably a good thing or I'd go out even more than I do. Naturally I seem to go for guys who are completely opposite in all sorts of ways to me (incl. music), why can't that also work?> Good luck with this one, anyway. And it is nice if they like doing the same things, at least you know you're not going to get bored with each others interests then.

  7. And people consistently do this! All the time! And then they wonder.I don’t get it, either.

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