When you know, you know

I had a first date the other night and to my surprise it went well. Not because I was attracted to the guy, because I’m not. But because I had fun. The conversation was great, easy flowing, funny and I laughed a lot. I think it has been a while since I had laughed a lot. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I smile a LOT. It seems like I’m always smiling. I smile when I’m happy, I smile when I’m sad to make myself happy, I smile when ridiculous things happen and I smile because ultimately it’s better than a frown, and because it’s contagious and when I smile, others smile too and I like that. But laugh, really laugh, I don’t know that I do that that often, and that night I did, and I liked it.

The thing is, this is not the guy. I know, I knew even before seeing him in person. Not only because he lives far away, or is divorced, or has a 12 year old son. But because I’m not attracted to him. There’s no chemistry. Once I met him, I found out that he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s very easy to talk to and easy going. All things I like very much. He’s not bad looking at all, he’s just not my type, if it is that I have one. It just didn’t click.

The next day he emailed. He wants to go out for dinner next week. I haven’t responded. I’m thinking of what I will say. My first reaction is sure, why not. But that’s always my first reaction. If it was fun and pleasant the first time, then why not give it a shot. I’m all for gicing people the benefit of the doubt. But if I know that there is no chemistry, if I know it won’t progress, then why lead him on? It’s not nice.

I just watched “Nights in Rodanthe“. Have you seen this movie? If you haven’t prepare to cry, because, believe me, you will. At least I did. “There’s a different kind of love, the kind that makes you want to be a better person… You need to hold off for that and know that you deserve it.”

I now know what my answer to that email will be. I know it’s only dinner, but I just can’t do it.


5 responses to “When you know, you know

  1. Well you were there, and I wasn’t so you know best… Maybe if you were honest with him, he might still want to see you- and who knows?

  2. buffalodick – I don’t think he’ll want to see me if I tell him I’m not physically attracted to him… I’m quite sure another friend is not exactly what he’s looking for.

  3. Tell me how you do it. I have this problem. I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but I know I need to do it.

  4. In the end you answer only to yourself. It can be difficult to say, flat-out, “You’re not what I’m looking for.” It is much easier to just ignore phone calls and emails…..especially in this town…..However. If you can’t bring yourself to communicate directly with somebody you don’t even care about, then how will you be able to communicate directly with somebody you DO care about? It’s not all spring breeze, once you find the right person. I look at singledom as practice.. your situation seems to me like a chance to practice direct communication.If your communication activates the other, remember their issue is not your responsibility – unless you have committed to that person, or want to act upon a strong sense of compassion AND are able to maintain your own centeredness. Too many “nice people” give up their centeredness way too easily – which serves no one.I’ve been on both sides of this mismatch equation. It stinks to get rejected, and it’s very tough to be the one who calls things off. Still, if you can communicate directly and compassionately, then that will serve you well in all relationships.

  5. Bummer that he doesn’t need more friends. Sounds like the two of you got along really quite well. Oh well, you’re doing the right thing. When I was in the dating world, I was much like you – I knew right away whether it was Yes or No. I tried to be more forgiving as I got older, but that usually ended in disaster, so I returned to going with my gut.

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