So this week was out to kick my ass emotionally and it succeeded. It was like all my exes came back from wherever they were hiding and decided to pay me a visit, which seemed more like a wake up call from hell, than anything else.
It was kicked off with a dream I had about my break-up with A. I was apparently going through everything that happened, every conversation, every fight, every mistake, in an attempt to help this girl I was talking to, learn from my mistakes so she didn’t have to endure them. I woke up in a fog at 4:15 am trying to understand the dream, the message and what it all meant. Why was I dreaming this? Why now?
Later that same day I found out, damn you FB, that D is getting married in May. They have a website with all the details of the wedding which is taking place in Peru, from which I assume the bride is from. So if you’re attending be sure to check it out, it’s quite nice actually. D and I broke up years back for several, very poignant, reasons and there is no way on earth I would want to go back to him or to the relationship we had, but for some unknown reason to me it shocked me and left me out of sorts for the rest of the day.
I thought long and hard about why these guys were coming back into my periphery and why I was now thinking about them and how knowing about them was affecting me. I realized that it’s not about them per se. I’m happy for them, for them moving on with their lives and I hope, sincerely, they are very happy. It’s about me, what I need to learn from them, from my mistakes, from our relationships, from moving on and how to achieve that.
In the midst of thinking and trying not to think came the kicker, because there’s always a kicker, right? C, remember C? Reappeared out of the blue, after 16 months of MIA. For those new to this blog, who don’t know about C, I’ll try to recap for you. C was my roommate in graduate school (the first time around), turned out to be (as A use to say) the love of my life at some point in my life, and a good friend throughout the years. A friend that became more than a friend and with whom at some point a couple years ago I started, quite reluctantly, a long distance relationship. We had agreed to try to make it work and, or so I thought, we were both excited about the possibilities. To my surprise and very unexpectedly, one day C disappeared. There was no explanation, no good bye, just silence. I wrote, I called, but no response was all I got.
Well, yesterday he showed up on a chat server, which I rarely am on, but for some unforeseen reason I was logged on and so was he. We chatted and I finally achieved some sort of closure, because I understood the why behind the actions. In his words he ditched me because I was going too fast, 200 mph to be exact, and he wasn’t ready for that. He thought talking about slowing it down would be a never ending battle and I, according to him, am not capable of closure. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? “Does he know me at all?” Apparently not. So he decided the only way, the best way, to deal with it was to cut all contact with me. Just like that, cold turkey.
I understood quite well why he disappeared. Coward, easy way out, immature, irresponsible all of those come to mind. Don’t you worry, I did tell him to not kid himself, he did not do what he did for me, it was the easy way out and he took it, he never even bothered to figure out what I needed or wanted or even dignified me with an explanation. He just left. And now he had the nerve to swing right back, pretending nothing had happened and wanting to chat as if we were still friends.
The last straw came to me after the whole WTH happened discussion bit was over, and quite pointless any more, he started to make small talk, he even asked about the heels (those of you who do not know about the heels, believe me you don’t want to know) and if I had boyfriend these days. That’s when it hit me and I understood what all of this regression experience was all about. I felt like a hamster on a wheel, I felt like I had been running in circles for the past two years and was exactly in the same spot I had started off from. So what does one do when reality hits you in the face like that? You ask for help. And I got it thank God. I was guided to do what I had to do and did it. I said good bye and I closed that door. And hopefully I won’t have to open it again.
I have friends who ask me about the men in my life. Men, in plural. They don’t ask me about the guy I’m dating, because usually I have 4-5 guys circling around me at a given time. Not that I’m going out with them, but they all seem to be “around”. I don’t want men in my life. I want one, just one man that is worth it. Now, is that really too much to ask for? Just one that works.
But you know what? I’ll be damned if I will sit here and let the next two years be more running in circles. I am done with the past. I do not want any of the men that have had something to do with me romantically, as little as that may be, to reappear. I want a fresh start. I’m taking what I learned and moving on. Enough, is enough. I am closing that door.