I’ve been meaning to write, really I have, but I’m … I don’t know what I am. Unmotivated, have nothing interesting to share, cautious of what I share lately, too lazy, avoiding the BIG topics? Take your pick, it could be any of those or a combination of sorts, but the bottom line is that I have this site abandoned and I even thought I would stop it all together. How’s that for drastic? But hey, that’s me, either or, black or white, all or nothing. Always have been drawn to be polarized.
I’m in the mood for banning, deleting or terminating something that’s for sure. I guess I might need a change. Last night out of the blue I had this very tempting thought of deleting the only profile I have left on a dating site and breakup with online dating once and for all. But I didn’t. At least, I haven’t yet. You see I have been online dating since what seems like the dark ages and I currently find myself with no guy to show for and an absolute exhaustion with the whole thing.
The other day I got an email from a guy that said, among other things, “who knows, this could be our last first date!” I smiled, oh yes, please, please let me have my last first date, I’m tired, no not tired, exhausted of dating and absolutely over first dates. Unfortunately, this guy was not my guy, so he had to be dismissed. Hopefully he will have his last first date with some other lovely girl. I, on the other hand, am already regretting the next first date, because really how many times can a girl explain where she’s from, what she does for a living and what she likes to do for fun? Not to mention the array of stupid questions some guys come up with, that we, because of politeness and nothing else, have to undergo.
It’s not so bad you say. Oh, but it is and I am starting to believe I’ve encountered it all. Like the guy that after two seconds of talking to me on the phone is convinced I am marvelous and couldn’t be any more precious. Two seconds dude. Now really, marvelous? Who’s going to believe that? There’s nothing like false adulation to tick me off.
Or the guy who kept on asking me how much I liked him and if I was into tall, blond, blue eyed men, after less than 5 minutes of chatting. I mean, yes physical aspects are important, I am that vain, but if you are a twit or a stuck up jerk, it doesn’t matter how good you look, I’ll never fall for you. So why not let me get to know you first, huh?
Or, the guy who one minute into the conversation asks about how the site is doing for you and why is it that you’re still single? I hate that guy. But I am polite, I know how to behave in social situations, so I oblige, I answer, I roll my eyes without anyone noticing and follow the conversation till the end, because after all I am nice and it’s one of my new year resolutions dammit! But at the end of the day I don’t enjoy dating, I endure it.
I’ve come to realize I am a relationship person. I’ve tried the casual thing, it doesn’t work, it fizzles away. I’ve tried the friends with benefits, but the benefits fade away quickly and there’s never any friendship left to be accounted for. I’ve tried the booty call and the oh-my-god-this-must-be-heaven-it’s-so-good guy and even though he’s the most difficult to drop, he has to go too, because in all reality that’s not all I want and apparently that is all he can provide. At the end I always want more. I want consistency, reliability, caring and respect. I want a man I know will be there for me no matter what, someone whom I can love and admire, and apparently that doesn’t come easily online. Yet, the profile is still up and I have a few first dates in my near future, because as my mother always says “la esperanza es lo ultimo que se pierde“. Wish me luck, because believe me, I’m going to need it!