What I want? Circles!

I’m trying to make up my mind as to what is it that I really want. When I wrote this I was thinking of the dream, the prince, the fairytale dream I had as a little girl, and how I wanted to feel that hope and dreaminess (illusion, in Spanish) again. If that dream had come true in my twenties I would have followed that rainbow to the end without any questions asked… or maybe a few questions, knowing me a why and a how are always bound to come up. But my point is I still hadn’t experienced freedom then, the kind of freedom you get from independence and making it on your own, so I wouldn’t have known any better.

Before coming to New York I had lived with my parents, for too long if you ask me (that’s the Venezuelan way), and hadn’t experienced doing what I wanted, where I wanted and whenever I wanted it, at absolutely all times when being home. When you live with others, especially when you live in their home, there’s a lot of compromise involved. After living all my life with my parents and sister, I lived with roommates for 3 years, then I moved back to Caracas and went back to living with my parents again. So these past 4 years have been the first time in my life I have really lived by myself, completely by myself, alone, no one else around. Yes, there’s the occasional sleepover by friends and family, there are visits long and short, and I do enjoy entertaining and get-togethers, but all of this is short lived, and then it’s just me again. I live by myself and I love it; I have loved it from day one.

So when I think about what I want, going back to the dream and now restating it more so as wants and goals, the prince, the fairytale wedding and the two to three kids doesn’t quite fit. Stop freaking out (you know who you are), I’m not saying I don’t want to get married and have kids, what I am saying is that maybe that picture I painted when I was 7 needs a little revisiting. I don’t find myself wishing for marriage and children any more, something changed.

What I want now is to recover my faith in love, to fall in love again and have it be reciprocated. What I want is to be able to walk on cloud nine again and to enjoy that for as long as it may last. I love kids. For pete’s sake, I have dedicated my entire professional life to work with and for kids, and when I’m not interacting directly with them, I’m studying them, so you tell me if I don’t like them? But when I think of how my life would change if I had a child of my own something in me freaks out a little bit. The overwhelming responsibility, the loss of freedom and even of identity, it truly scares me, and being selfish as I tend to be, I start thinking that maybe this is just not what I want now. And yes, this is a bit difficult for me to grasp. I mean, I have ended relationships because the guy I was with didn’t want to have kids and didn’t see them in his future. That’s how strong I felt about having kids. But now, I don’t know…

A good friend of mine says she thinks I’m just scared. She thinks that the fear of too much responsibility, of my life changing and having to give up a lot of what I do now with my space and time, projecting itself in me saying I might not want to have kids after all, is a cover up. She thinks this is a result of me being scared of it not ever happening and thus negating I want it at all. Like a defense mechanism. That might as well be true, who knows, defense mechanism work in mysterious ways and (you might know this by know) I tend to complicate things by over thinking and over rationalizing them, sometimes to death, so why not create a mechanism to help me feel better about the whole thing? Call me crazy, but I think there’s something more there than just the fear of having it never come true.

I would have a child if the conditions were right and only if they were right. I would not go out of my way to deliberately have a child on my own, that, I think, is craziness. Is my biological clock ticking? Yes. Do I think babies are the cutest thing on earth? Absolutely. Am I willing to give up all the commodities that come with being single and without child? Mmmm, not so much, at least not this minute. And you see, it’s a good thing because the conditions are not set (see, this is my thinking process), the guy with whom to have this child does not exist in my life… hmmm, you see the catch here? While I don’t have this guy, I can keep on going on my merry way, but if and when I find this guy, I will have to know what I want. So maybe not having him around isn’t such a bad thing. That Pai (a spiritual guide back in Caracas) just might have been right, and I actually am alone because I want to be alone. But then, how am I going to walk on cloud nine again?

See? Circles. This thinking process is taking me no where, but in circles. Help! Do you know what you want? How did you find out?


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