I’ve had a heck of a week. It started out with a bang, but not the good kind. The fight/discussion or whatever you want to call what happened with Tom Sunday night, completely threw me off, and I’ve been emotionally drained ever since. My data collection process started Monday morning with an early wakeup at 6 am, ouch! That has been very interesting though, but I’ll tell you about it another time. This is a venting post.
So, I fought with a friend, who insulted me and now apparently is not speaking to me. The guy I was dating disappeared, no call, no message, no explanation, no word. I have more research-work, class-work, prep-work, and analysis-work on my hands than I can handle. I’ve got up at 6am three days this week, and went to bed past midnight every single night. The only fun activity I did this week was visit my niece and nephew last night and go to my yoga class, for which I was late. And to top it all off a guy I dated last year showed up out of the blue yesterday wanting to play.
I am tired. I am ANGRY. I am tired and angry, which is not a fun way to be. Angry at Tom for not being the friend I thought he was. Angry at Mike for disappearing and not giving this closure. Angry at C because this week it was a year since he bailed, never to be heard of again. Angry at Jason because he apparently bumped into some pictures of mine and now thinks he can charm his way back into my pants. Angry at myself because somehow this must be my fault. Angry at life because there seems to be a repeating pattern here which doesn’t seem to want to go away.
So what do I do? I go out and run, which is what I do when I can’t take it any more. Exercising really helps me feel better, and running until I’m out of breath always seems to do the trick. Last night on my way back home. I thought about (random thought really, don’t know where it came from) a book I used to love when I was a kid “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein. Most people don’t like this book because the kid in it is such a jack-ass. But I like the book, not because of the jerky kid, but because of the tree. The tree, to me, represents the epitome of what we, as human beings, should strive for: to give. No questions asked, just give. Not wanting anything in return, just give. And then it dawned on me, OMG I’m the tree! And I have been surrounded these past years (not always, mind you) by these jerky-type boys.
My eyes welled up and suddenly I just wanted to cry. The only image that came to mind to brighten myself up, was hugging a dog. Weird huh? So today after my river run I sopped by ASPCA. This place is across the street from my building, I see it from my living room window, and pass by it every time I go for my river walk. Today, I finally decided to go in. They gave me a tour and I checked out the dogs. There was a guy or two who I would have gladly brought home with me, but instead I just took the application and said I would be back with all the info needed.
I’ve been thinking about getting a dog ever since I moved to NYC the first time, over ten years ago. I have had several dogs in my life, and in Caracas, at my parent’s place I have had a few and still have Dallas, my beautiful, sweet and crazy black lab. If I think about it rationally a dog is not what I need right now. The added responsibility, time consumption and stress a dog would bring is not what I need when I have 2 jobs, a fellowship, two classes and a dissertation to tend to this semester. Not to mention the picking up the poop with my hands on the streets (I can’t seem to get over that). But emotionally, I want a dog. I need a dog. And by the look of their faces in ASPCA today, they need me too.
I’m not sure what I’ll do about the dog yet. I think it would be best to give it some more thought and not to do anything impulsively. About the tree thing, and the jerky guys around me, I have come to a decision though. I will give myself a break. I’m going to pull myself out of the dating game for a while. Give me the rest of this year to not think about men any more, and focus on all the multiple tasks I’ve gotten myself into professionally. I will resume dating in January and take it from there. For now, I’m off men.
So how was your week? Any life altering resolutions?