Indian food and a discussion

On Tom’s last night in NYC we went to Baluchi’s, Tom’s new favorite spot in walking distance. We started off with a Corona and a Mango Lassi, which was delicious, and Samosas as an appetizer. I had never had this and it was good. A little spicy, but really flavorful. Totally recommend it.

Tom had some very spicy Chicken Vindaloo with basmati rice

Which apparently was very good and hot

I had Chicken Biryani

Delicious!

And we topped it off with cheese Nan bread

Unfortunately, as we were finishing dinner we got into a discussion about a topic we should have just let be, since I had asked him not to talk about it before, having anticipated some kind of fall out. As it turns out we don’t see eye to eye in regards to the guy I am currently sort of dating, and Tom has had the need throughout his stay in NY to make a point of it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for independent thought and voicing one’s opinions. But calling someone I’m potentially interested in a jerk and an asshole (when you have never met him and only have my version of the story) and me an idiot because I decide to put up with him and let him use me, just seems like crossing the line. Call me sensitive, what can I say?

The kicker though wasn’t that. It was when he said that he was just b-sing me, that I was smart enough to discern what was true and what wasn’t, and that I wasn’t going to take his words for it anyway (as I had said before I would do what I thought was right, when I was ready for it) that I was totally baffled. So, when I ask for an opinion (which in this case I didn’t, it was just offered to me) from him, he’ll just give me any extremist crap because he knows I won’t believe him? … Huh? Why would I ask him for an opinion if I thought this was true?

You see, the whole discussion arose, I think (nothing is quite clear at this point), not necessarily because of what he thinks of this guy, or of me for that matter, but because I think he is taking a completely black/white take on the situation and giving way too extreme advice, and I thought it my place to say so.

I thought it was irresponsible of him to give advice so black and white, and not tell me to be sensible, open minded and give people the benefit of the doubt, which was what I had said to him about his girlfriend, with the little information I had of her. He thought I was defensive, letting my ego get the best of me, and just defending this guy, and I guess myself, from his arguments.

Was I defensive? Yes, most likely. Was he too harsh? Yes, most definitely. Were lines crossed? Absolutely. Did our points get across? Unfortunately, I don’t think so. What seems funny though is that when I first met Tom ages ago, we started out dating and he behaved very jerky-like with me. At that point, as I usually do, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I had done things I wasn’t proud of myself and I thought that maybe he had too, and if we could talk about it and sort things out we would be better off. It turned out to be that way and we have been good friends ever since. Why would it then be ok for me to give him the benefit of the doubt and not this guy? Does this scream biased to anyone besides me? I just don’t get the double standard. Which brings me back to the point I was making in an earlier post about men being too self-centered.

The world does not revolve around us, and us alone. Other people have problems, situations, and things they are going through which influence their acts. Sometimes we think someone is an ass, when actually he/she is just behaving as one in this particular moment. That doesn’t make them a horrid person, it’s just a bad behavior. If we give people the benefit of the doubt, maybe, just maybe they will realize what they have done (if they haven’t done so before hand), apologize and change their behavior. It happens. I know it does, it has happened to me many times, but we have to risk giving people a second chance.

If we write off people for any mistake they make or every time they act like fools, as we all tend to do now and then, I think we would be headed for a very lonely, self righteous life. Now, I don’t commend the behavior this guy I’m dating has had. It’s been inconsiderate and uncaring in my book, and shows disrespect to some degree. But am I ready to say “Good ridings. Next!”? No, I am not. And until I am ready, after seeing this situation out and giving him the benefit of the doubt, those words nor that attitude will be displayed. Ultimately, this is my life and I get to decide how to live it no matter how much of an idiot some people think I am for sticking to what I believe in.

Will this guy last in my life? Who knows. Is he truly a jerk or is this just circumstantial? Don’t have enough data yet. Will I find out? Absolutely. And I hope that when I do Tom and I will still be friends and all of this will be behind us. Because if there is something I am willing to do is give Tom the benefit of the doubt and try to sort things out. For now though, I’m still feeling a little distraught about this whole situation.

10 responses to “Indian food and a discussion

  1. I don’t get BSing…especially when you are asking him for his opinion. I’m sorry you’re going through this with your friend.

  2. From the look of Tom, I would have bet he has strong opinions.. He could be a bit jealous- not wanting you romantically, but not wanting anyone else to have you either..

  3. At least no food was thrown in the discussion. Tom over stepped his bounds and like Buffalo said he could be a bit jealous. Not wanting you, but not wanting anyone else to have you.

  4. I learned long ago not to leap to conclusions based on only one side of the story. That said, it’s natural for someone to feel passionately about topics involving their friends, and to state strong opinions when they feel their friend has been wronged or mistreated. Given your strong friendship with Tom, in this case I might be inclined to focus less on the message than on the place from which it sprung. It’s hard to get angry at someone who only wants the best for you.

  5. You know what I say to this? Takes one to know one. And maybe the jerky-jerk in Tom is seeing the jerky-jerk in the guy you’re dating. But that’s not the point. The point is in delivery. And in how we treat our friends. And being so standoffish is just not attractive. Ever. So, here’s hoping Tom learns to moderate his temperature a bit … and also that the new boy isn’t really a jerk.

  6. It’s always tough to decide how we’re going to decipher what a friend has to say about who we’re dating. We’d like to think they have good intentions, but it can be hard to tell. I can imagine it was even harder when he threw you the “b.s.” curve ball.As for deciding on our own based on someone’s behavior, I don’t think any one of us would want to be judged on one moment of “bad” or irrational or even unusual behavior. But it’s when it repeats itself that we should be concerned. Good for you for knowing the difference.

  7. All we can do is keep moving forward, living our lives and trying to be happy. What happens will happen and we’ll look back and go “Oh! I should have known/seen that back then” but that’s why it’s called hindsight. In the mean time, it’s a fun ride! 🙂

  8. Hey Jen~Dating is the process of elimination. With that said sometimes we might talk bad about a person we are dating because they piss us off or do something that hurts us. When we tell our friends who love us, they tend to not want us to get hurt. Even if we were talking to them about our feelings and it doesn’t phase us anymore.Our friends remember what we say.However when I first read your post. I thought Tom had a thing for you. Just a thought. Can one truly be friends with someone they dated and not have any feelings? Especially watching the other person move on in their life?That or he truly cares for you as a friend. So he felt safe telling you what he feels even if it might upset you.Hope it all works out, things happen for a reason!!!Sorry I wrote so much!!!!

  9. Thanks guys for all your support and insightful comments. Some of them have really helped me see things in a different, probably more interesting light. I’m sorry to have dumped this on you, but I guess I needed to vent, plus I honestly wanted to hear others’ opinions (although of course this is just my side of the story).I really don’t think Tom is jealous, or said what he did for selfish reasons, unconscious as they might be. I believe he was being a friend, looking after me and wanted the best for me. It was the manner in which the message was delivered that triggered my defensive reaction.This guy isn’t really the reason of me being upset with Tom. In all reality, my relationship with him is probably over anyway. What truly disappointed me was the “washing his hands” with the BS comment. Now that was not friendly like to me. Anyhow, I emailed Tom yesterday and haven’t heard from. It seems like lately mo answer is my answer… *sigh*, what can I say?

  10. mmm que rico Jen! q banquete de has dado!;)

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