I’ve been thinking a lot about this for a while now. Both about what it is that I am feeling and going through right now, and if I should post about it or not. I have a bunch of people around me, close people, important people, asking me how it is that I can pour my heart open so publicly, to the world through this blog, having always been such a private person.
Well, for one, I don’t think I’m THAT private. Maybe I use to be, not that much anymore. I can talk to anyone about mostly anything, without feeling embarrassed or even self conscious. Not always, but most of the time. And I have found that the more I talk about things, the better I understand them. In regards to writing, it has always helped me to sort things out. Now writing for an audience is different. And there is where these important people’s comments ring true. Some people don’t need to know certain things about us. Some people don’t necessarily wish us well, and giving them information, personal information about us, can only give them more negative power.
I have always naively thought people are generally good. Unfortunately, I know for a fact that is not the case. Not all people are good and well intended. Not everyone wishes us well and is sincerely happy for our successes and is positively cheering us on. We are human. We unwillingly feel anger, jealousy, and envy, and those negative thoughts and energy travel, even through cyberspace. They affect us, hinder growth, and sometimes even cast spells that come true in the not so great things we encounter. Those are the people* I do not want to share this with, and because of them I sometimes sensor what I write about in this blog.
Anyhow, I’m going on limb here. Trying to regain my naive view of the world, in which people find their ways and turn to the light, the good, and the positive. And will share what’s been on my mind lately in regards to relationships, which is one our all time favorite topics, isn’t it? ; )
I’ve been having dreams with an old ex boyfriend I had, once upon a time. In the dream we are together, not in a sexual way, but more of an emotional togetherness. I wake up a bit sad from those dreams, and a bit worried thinking what they might mean, and why am I having them so frequently. I know for a fact that they don’t mean I want him back in my life, or that I have those kinds of feelings for him still, because when I think about him while awake I can only feel the warmth and caring you feel for someone you once loved very much, but with whom you are not in-love now. This relationship took place ages ago, and it ended for good reasons. There was no going back then, and there still is no going back now.
It has made me wonder though, what is it about that relationship that calls me to dream about it and wake up longing for the feelings it elicited in me. I think then about my previous relationships, to see if I find any patterns. I would say that the three most significant relationships I have ever had, which happened 7, 11, and 15 years ago, were good loving relationships, with exceptional men, whom I loved dearly, and whom loved me to the end of the world… and that is when the meaning of the dreams hit home.
I am longing to be loved that way again. It’s not that I miss any of these particular exes, or that it is specifically the guy in the dream that I want to be with. He represents the feeling we felt then, the type of relationship we had, the commitment, the love. That is the meaning of the dream. What I wish I had now and do not have.
Then I look at the guys I have been dating recently, and how those situations have panned out. I realize these men either are not capable of loving this way, or just not capable of loving ME this way. Either way, they are not what I want or need, and definitely not what I’ve been longing for.
I start thinking about what I have done wrong, where I took the wrong turn, Because, it seems to me, that I obviously fell off track somehow. Somewhere I just took the wrong turn, the wrong path, and now I’m stuck in a place I don’t recognize and quite frankly do not understand. What to do? Going back is not an option, time only goes forward. I need an alternative route. A road towards the love highway I use to be on. How does one get there? Do any of you have a map?
*I know not everyone is like this. I have felt the love through all the encouraging and warm comments I have received in this blog through the years I have had it. That is actually what keeps me here, writing publicly, and for that I will always be thankful to all you warm hearted blogger-friends.