Rethinking my mission

These past weeks I’ve been reading Our Lady of the Lost and Found by Diane Schoemperlen. A friend from TC had recommended it (thank you Heather!) and I finally picked it up when the semester was ending. The book is fascinating. It’s about a 40 year old woman writer, who is suddenly visited by the Virgen Mary on an ordinary Monday morning. Schoemperlen goes on to share with the reader not only her “fictional” happenings while Mary was staying with her, but also the many appearances she has made to different people all around the world through time.

I am in love with this book. It’s one of those experiences where I don’t want to put the book down, but I also know that if I keep on reading it will be over soon, and I want it to last forever. The story has made me think about my mission in life, what I’m supposed to be doing with my time and efforts, and helping me understand, at some level, what this year needs to be for me (I’m still working on that).

I’m a fairly smart person, or so I’ve been told. When I was in high school, trying to figure out what I wanted to study in college (in Venezuela you apply to university with a degree in mind and you follow, from day one, the curriculum set out for that degree) they told me I could study whatever I wanted because I had skills for anything (talk about NOT helping at all). And since at that time and place adults around me thought that humanities would be a waste of my talents I enrolled in the engineering program. As the first year went by I realized I would never be happy working in the coorporate world making money for some big company, which was the expectation, and with a lot of effort, acceptance, and convincing (both of my self and others) I changed universities and programs. I loved science, and still do. I especially enjoyed physics and math, but the overall result of studying engineering was not appealing, I wanted to work with people, children specifically. I ended studying early childhood education, and apparently can’t get enough of it, because I still am. Although, the truth be told, education has no real appeal to me. I am a good teacher (when I have taught) because I know a lot, I care a lot, and I empathize easily, but not because I love to teach. I don’t. What I always wanted to be, and never could, for some reason or another (that’s better left for another post, if so), was a child psychologist. I rather work with children and people in general, on a one to one basis, focusing on their particular and individual needs, looking for ways in which I can help them go through whatever process they are inmersed in. Teaching large groups “required” materials has no appeal to me.

The point of all this unsolicitated sharing, is that I feel that once my doctorate in done this year, God willing my dissertation completion starts running smoothly, what will I do? Will I go back to doing something I know I’m good at, and can do well, but doesn’t really make me tic? Or will I take this opportunity to figure out what my calling is and go for it? I’ve had opportunities like this before, every time I finish a degree, every time I change jobs, every time I move, and lord knows there have been many of those times, but for some reason I always go back to some form of education or somehting that entails it. I have a strong interest in art, psychology, and spirituality but haven’t quite found the way to combine all of these with the work I am overly prepared to. I am a good schollar, intellectual tasks and deep thinking are things I do well, but is this what I was meant to do? I’m not sure.

Last night Tata called from the hospital a little after midninght. Toti was, in her words, insane, and she was very nervous. She called us crying to see if someone could go over to the clinic and help her. My dad and I quickly went over and stayed with them until about 3 am. The doctors gave Toti some sort of sedative to help him sleep since he was restless, which seem to have the contrary effect on him and made him hiper, paranoid, and hallusinative. Toti has been “seeing” (his blind because of the “cataratas” and only sees shadows) ghosts, people and animals, around him since quite some time now. He has never believed in ghosts, last night he explained to us that even though he never before believed they existed, now he is totally convinced. He’s not upset by it, if you knew Toti, you would know he is the most absent minded, free spirit, roll with the flow kind of guy you’ve ever meet. So he is not easily upset or disturbed. Yet, last night he would flow in and out of three very distinct phases: his normal, knowledgeable, here and now, lucid state; his “watch out for Mampulorio (a little black dog he sees frequently)” ghost state; and the hallusinating and bit paranoid “what are we doing here in the middle of the street surrounded by people and mudd, I want to go home” state. We stayed until he calmed down, and agreed to fall asleep and then left Tata (who didn’t want to leave him, I offered to stay with her, but she wouldn’t have it) to look after him and hopefully, eventualy, get some sleep.

When I got home my sister was awake waiting for us and the report on Toti. She listen to all my stories and my impressions on what was happening and then she said “I waited up to talk to you, I think you have a roll to play here, and it’s to be Toti’s spiritual guide”. Apparently she thinks that what I have to do is help him deal with the ghost and feel more at easy. No problem, I can do that, but is that my mission? Is it my roll now, or is it my roll in life? I definitely have a knack for getting people to open up to me and tell me very personal, sometimes “alternative”, things. I also seem to have a spiritual “gift” of some sort and have flirted with the occult, or it has flirted with me actually. So could this be what I need to do next? Or is it something I need to do alongside what I do now?

There seems to be a theme here. Some of the encounters I was having in NYC in the past months, the books I’m reading, the revising what I’m meant to do, my dreams, and now this. I wonder if my mission is much more spiritual than I ever gave it credit. I’m not sure, but I guess I’ll find out.

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12 responses to “Rethinking my mission

  1. 1. Espero que tu abuelo se reponga pronto y que si tú tienes que ayudarlo de la manera que sea, lo hagas con alegría y convicción.2. ¡Qué cosas! Yo dejé la carrera de Diseño Gráfico para luego meterme a estudiar para maestra de preescolar. ¡Me gusta muso enseñar!3. De verdad pienso que eres una mujer muy inteligente y que pronto descubrirás qué es lo que tienes que hacer.Muchos abrazos!!!

  2. oh! i can’t wait to find out. it is all unfolding as it should, right?thinking good thoughts.

  3. triple – gracias, ya esta mejor, en lo que se le paso el efecto de la pastilla ya no hubo mas alucinaciones. Si, yo espero que pronto me caiga “la locha” de que es que vine a hacer en esta vida. Que bueno que tu estas haciendo algo que te gusta.sizzle – Neither can I! I truly hope so!

  4. You must do what you feel you must. It sounds like you’ve had a different holiday than usual! Good Luck, in whatever path you follow- whatever you do-I know you will do it well!

  5. P.S. I forgot to comment on the new picture of yourself- you look very beautiful, young lady!

  6. Wow, I have been looking for a new book to read. I just get scared so easily It might take me awhile. I hope you had a great new year, and you look great in that picture!!!!!

  7. Hey there, sounds like you have a lot to think about. I;ve been told that often the repeating feelings or thoughts are ‘that spiritual side of us’ telling us what we should do. All you can do is listen to them for a change and see where they take you. You can always go back to where you were!!Best of luck with it. Sounds like they are exciting opportunities anyway! xx

  8. buffalodickdy – with everything that has been going on with Toti, it sure did turn out to be a different type of vacation than what I expected. Oh, and thank you *blush* : )ssc – well if you do decide to read this one, I hope you like it as much as I do. Thanks, I hope you had great new years as well.the sarjent – yep, I think I do. I think I’m start doing things )meditation, yoga) again which will help me to provide a channel for the insight to cme to me. Thanks for the luck, I think I just might need it! ; )

  9. I am a piano teacher and I like your blog as it deals with issues of spiritual life. Maybe you would be interested to read my e-book “An Ordinary Black Cat” Anyway, if you see my website http://www.catyourway.com please make a comment as I would value your opinion. You may find many different interesting things there quite apart from this book, but having read your blog I thought you could be my ideal reader! Have a brilliant New Year 2008!

  10. I think that we each go through several of these “crossroads” periods in life. I sometimes feel like I get second, third, fourth, etc chances and with each chance come more signals as to what to do. Often, they take a spiritual form, like you’re going through at the moment. Just remember that there aren’t a lot of “right” or “wrong” decisions, and wherever you are in life is generally where you are meant to be. Take the time to learn the lessons you’re meant to learn before moving on.

  11. alexander – thank you for stopping by and all the best for you as well!joe – you’re right Joe, as usual. I need to remember not to “sweat” it so much, because, as you say, whatever is happening at this moment is supposed to be happening and there is a lesson or two to be learned. I just get into these urges to have everything figured out now, and forget that sometimes it’s not the end goal, but the road there which is of most importance. Thanks!

  12. Los mensajes a tu vida llegan con las personas, si eso te gusta sigue tu instinto, ese nunca se equivoca. Mi abuelita tuvo un infarto hace un par de años y tambien alucinaba pero nos explicaron que era por la edad, por la anestesia y porque no estaba con su nivel de oxigeno al maximo, tambien decía que la perseguían y no sabía donde estaba, era muy triste, espero que todo siga mejor.

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