Happy Thanksgiving!

I was just reading my last post from last week and was thinking how incredibly different I feel just a few days later. The melancholy, the longing and the sadness are all gone. I’m really starting to think, as I hit, the 4th floor, as a friend of mine calls 40s, that my body is taking a turn for the worst. I’ve never suffered from PMS, but now? It hits me like a tons of bricks.

It wasn’t until I started seriously thinking last week that I realized the 3 times I’ve been terribly homesick since I moved to Chicago (3 months ago) have been around the time I was menstruating… what a coincidence, huh? For someone who does research for a living I’m thinking I should have noticed that a bit sooner. Anyhow, PMS is gone now, Venus is back to it’s forward travels and I feel happy and cheery again. Life is good. Oh, and it gets better. I’m off to NYC today to spend a week there for Thanksgiving. How’s that for a cheer-me-upper?

I hope you have a wonderful holiday and have the chance to be very thankful for all your blessing. I’ll be sure to count you in in mine. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Venus

Venus is retrograde, and I’m feeling it. I don’t know if you know anything about astrology or even believe in the impact planetary energy pull has on our emotional states, but for me it’s quite noticeable. Apparently, when Venus, the planet of love and relationships, is in retrograde form, your emotions and thoughts go toward past lovers and relationships.

I knew that once I started dating again, meeting guys and getting myself in the frame of mind of opening to the possibility of falling in love with someone else, I would inevitably think about Jason. I knew I would compare the guys, compare what I felt then, what I feel now and knowing me, I also knew I would probably go back and forth between “I’m ready, lets move on” and “I might not be ready, maybe I’ll just give myself a little more time”.

Venus retrograde has not helped one bit. I’ve missed Jason very much these days. And I know, believe me, I know, there are things I should not miss. When I think about it, I can come up with a list of reasons why it’s best this way, why it’s actually better for both of us to move on and find partners that better fit with us. We both need people who are currently in a situation similar to ours so that we can accompany each other in a common path. In some pretty big things (e.g. finances and spiritual beliefs) Jason and I either don’t see eye to eye, or want different things because we are at different points in our life development. And at least, rationally, all of that justifies moving on.

But emotionally (and Venus is ALL about emotions) I can’t come up with that list of reasons so easily. Emotionally, and physically, I miss him, his touch, his smell, his skin. The little things really, the day to day things, how I felt when I was with him or thinking about him, that’s what I miss. And yes, I know I can have that with someone else. He is definitely not the only guy in the world, he’s not the last one. But right now he is my last one, and I think that’s why while Venus retrogrades, he’s the ex that resurfaces, he’s the one I’m having dreams with and comparing new guys to.

Venus starts moving forward on Thursday. So I guess I just need to hang in there for just a few more days, and maybe after that things will flow easier. Or at least, and this is my hope, the dreams and longing will stop. So if you’re revisiting old relationships in your head, or having these urges to call your ex and explore possibilities of rekindling the flame, now you know why. If you really feel he/she is who you truly want to be with, then go for it. But if you’re not so sure, hold it out until the end of the week, by the weekend, you might feel differently.

Update: It hadn’t been 10 minutes since I wrote this when I went into FB and found a video Jason had posted of himself singing… it was great, he looked happy. I was happy for him. I smiled. I remembered when he first sung that song to me, when he wrote it. I cried and smile at the same time. And ever since that happened this morning, I’ve been sad and on the verge of tears all day. I think I’m definitely hormonal and Venus is not helping me out one bit. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Weekend update

My sister is here for a few days. She flew in Saturday night and will be going back to Manhattan on Tuesday, after a few days of work. On Sunday, we had planned to go shopping. We ventured out to Aurora Premium Outlet, which someone had recommended a while back. She needed to buy clothes for herself and I was set on getting started on my Christmas shopping, so it was a plan!

Off we went after breakfast, talking and listening to music all the way. I love to drive so the 1.5 hour on the road wasn’t a burden at all. We got to see some parts of Chicago I had never been through before and get out of the city as well. Once there I ended getting some shirts from Banana Republic for me, using a gift certificate Jason had given me last year for Christmas (thanks Jason!), and a sweater and shirt from Michael Kors I just fell in love with. I also got a couple of skinny belts in JCrew. But the rest were all Christmas presents. I bought 3 presents! That means I have 3 people set and only 3 to go, can someone say organized in advanced?!

The drive back was a bit worse though. It was dark, because of course we stayed until the shops closed their doors on us, and it had also started to rain. I had forgotten my contacts and glasses at home, and at night my vision reduces at least 25% percent on top of the correction I already need and didn’t have, because as I said, I forgot all seeing implements at home. It was interesting to say the least. Liz had to read all the signs to me and at some point she got distracted (I think she didn’t quite realize I REALLY couldn’t see) and we ended driving pass a toll booth, through the easy path area (I don’t have an easy pass) and skipping the pay altogether.

Yep, apparently I don’t believe in paying the government for roads I think should be free… yikes! I read somewhere you can go online and pay the tolls you missed, so I’m looking for that now. I’m telling you, not being able to see while driving it not a good thing. It also takes all the fun out of driving because it elevates the stress factor to a gazillion. But we made it back in one piece and went for dinner at Chipottle, which is about two blocks from where I live, so it all ended well.

Once we got home we took everything out and spread it, showing each other what we got. I think that’s the best part of shopping, sharing your finds and thinking about how you’ll wear them and how you’ll style all the new stuff with what you already had. And the sales! I love a bargain, so sharing how much you saved on this and that, can’t be beat!

It was a great shopping Sunday.  On Saturday (I know I’m going backwards here, but the shopping needed to be shared first), I had errands to run, baby gifts to buy and a second date, which I wasn’t that excited about. As it turns out, the date was much better than I expected. We had fun, had great food and conversation and I ended the night thinking, hmmm, I kinda like this guy. Who knew? Kinda good, huh? Well, of course, we’ll see, time will tell. The holidays are around the corner and I have a ton of work to do and a bit of travel too. For the 5 weeks I have ahead, between now (that the quarter is ending) and the 3rd of January, when the next quarter begins, I will be in NY for 1 week and in Miami for 2. All that distance might make everything a bit cold on the dating end. I might need to pause things and get back into them in January once I’m back. We’ll see. For now, things are good and I have 3 Christmas gifts set before Thanksgiving, how great is that?!

3 Months

It’s been three months today since I moved from NYC to Chicago. I am swamped trying to wrap up the quarter, grading papers and quizzes. The fun never ends around these parts. But I wanted to take at least a few minutes to make note of my three month milestone of living in another state in the US besides NY or CA.

 You go Chicago! So far we’re getting along quite well

The one in which I drown

I’m with Jason in a car going to a museum or store. Apparently, the downtown one was closed and didn’t have what we were looking for, so we drive uptown to another place. On our way there I notice we are in the 180ths and I remember the place being on 57th street. We still get off, there are tons of people, but the place is not a regular store, it has a boat of some sort in the back, indoors, in a big lake. We get on. I don’t really want to be on it, it seems unstable, it starts moving, I think it might leave dock, but instead it starts sinking. We both leave the boat’s deck, we’re pushed up by the water, but as we step off the boat into the open body of water, it envelops us, we are completely covered. I look up and see lights, I see this massive wave coming, it’s covering us, I didn’t take a deep breath of air before, I wonder if what I have will be enough to wait under the wave while it passes. I look up and see Jason swimming upward, to the surface, I try to follow, but I’m running out of air. I reach for him, he doesn’t notice I’m still underwater. He reaches the surface, which is when he looks around and sees I’m not there. I don’t come out. I can see him and feel myself float away, down, not up. I’m not going to resurface. I drowned.

And then I woke up with this weird feeling of calm and surprise. I drowned!? What does that mean?

Are you online?

Me: “Three first dates in almost 3 months I’ve been here…”

Coworker: “That’s great. I think you’re on a good track.”

Me: “I’ve met one guy a month. How many months you think it will take me to meet one I want to go on a second date with? Wait, don’t answer that, let me just give myself a pat in the back, for at least having met these first three to begin with.”

I’ve come to dislike online dating. For several reasons really, don’t go off thinking I’m fickle like that. I love online shopping, it’s convenient, it saves time, I can do it at home in my pjs, and at late hours at night. Online dating is similar to online shopping in this sense, but the thing is, it’s people we’re talking about here, not things.

I feel online dating gives the user the false perception that people, like things, are disposable. If this one doesn’t fit, there are 10 more where that one came from. Different models, different sizes, different colors, different styles. Having so many options is awesome for things, it’s what this capitalist, consumerist economy is built on; the competitive market, supply and demand. That wasn’t designed to be implemented with people, yet when I’m online dating it feels just like that, and I don’t like it.

It can also be that I’ve been doing it for so long now, it’s gotten old. I can’t really bash it, it’s work for me to an extent. Most of the relationships I’ve had in the past decade or so have come from online dating sites. Some have been great, some have been a total fail, and some don’t even need to be mentioned, because really, they almost don’t count. But it has worked, I’ve even fallen in love with men I first met online, not many granted, maybe just one actually, but still.

Now if just the 19 year-olds would stop writing to me and making me feel like “Really?!” on a daily basis, maybe I could enjoy this a little more. That, or I’ll finally delete my profile when a student or coworker, god forbid, bumps into it and sends me a message. That would be almost as embarrassing as the “hooker hair” comment, remember that?

Oh how they suck

Breakups suck. Why do people have to breakup? What happened to happily ever after? What happened to sticking things through? To working things out? To ironing differences? To compromising and having love triumph? I believe in love, I do. But recently, love seems to not believe that much in itself, because why else does it keep giving up?

I just found out a cousin of mine broke up with her boyfriend, with whom she was incredibly happy just a few weeks back. How does life just up and change on us like that? No warning, no pause to catch our breaths, just wham! Change.

When Jason and I broke up back in March I felt as if I had been taken the rug from under me and left there to fend for myself in the bitter cold. No coat. No heat. No rug. Nothing. It was all turned upside down. In the midst of trying to understand and accept things, all I could mutter out was “I want my life back!” With a stomp of the foot and the cry of a spoiled little girl “I want it back, now!” Because that’s how we feel when we’re left high and dry by life, by love, we just want to pause, rewind and go back to the happy times. Go back to when we were happy and probably didn’t even know it.

As I think about my cousin, about breakups and about how hard it is to get over heartache, I extend cyber hugs to all out there who are going through something like this. BIG HUGS. I know how much it sucks. I’ve been there wanting it all back and wishing it would all just go away. BIG HUGS. BIG, really BIG BEAR HUGS.

Weekend in NYC

It’s been a few days since I returned from my birthday and Halloween weekend in NY and I still have not had time to come and tell you all about it. I wanted to the very first day, but somehow got side tracked with overwhelming homesickness that took over me that afternoon.

I had a wonderful time. I got to spend time with my family (I stayed at my sister’s and my parents were there visiting too) and friends (who came to help celebrate my birthday). And for that alone the trip was wonderful. I also got to walk around NYC, go on the subway, eat some of my NY favorites, run in Riverside Park, do a little shopping, and see Mike. But once I got home and started decompressing I also started crying and making no sense at all.

I knew that going back would be bitter sweet. Once the taxi rolled into Manhattan from the airport, and started crossing over Central Park, the tears started streaming. I so miss that town. More than words can describe. But the real tears came when I saw Sophie. She hugged me so tight, and I her, and then she gave me a birthday card, which I couldn’t read because I was in tears. There are no words for how much I miss that kid.

I got over the sadness, of course, I always do. And enjoyed my time there. We had a birthday lunch on Saturday with Venezuelan food, Margot’s cake, rum, music, conversations and fun. Take a look:

We also went trick-or-treating a bit on Sunday, and Sophie got to show off her Queen Elizabeth costume. She literally stopped traffic in that outfit.

Nick didn’t let me take pictures of his mummy costume, I guess he’s hit that age. But I got some shots of him in his TaeKwonDo uniform playing with those Mayachi (or whatever they’re called) thingies. He is so grown up now.

On Monday, when I flew back to Chicago, I had planned to go directly to work. I did, but once there, I grabed my car and headed  home. I was spent and all I had to do for work (read, prep for class and grade papers) I could do from my apartment. So off home I went to unpack, eat lunch, and get working. That all happened, but with a little crying interruption there included, which fortunately didn’t last too long because serendipitously friends appeared online and I could chat and vent my sadness away.

The next day I was fine. Singing on my way to and from work, happy as can be. Thank God it doesn’t last long, and as my mom says, work tends to be the best therapy, since there is just no time to even ponder when there are things to do and deadlines to meet.

There you have it, my weekend in NYC. Loved it, though it reminded me of how much I miss it. Hopefully, this coming weekend I’ll find something about Chicago to fall in love with too.